Hi there!

I’m the $252 million that was spent on the Tom Steyer campaign, and I have to say, I’m pretty proud of what I managed to accomplish. Did I get Tom Steyer elected? Absolutely not. Did I make sure that people knew Tom Steyer was an option, so that when they ultimately decided not to vote for him, it felt a little more hurtful maybe than if I had not worked so hard to get his name out there? You bet your bottom 1/252,000,000th of me I did. That’s not nothing!

What else is money for, really? Please, do not answer. The advantage to being a lot of money is that people will never supply unpleasant answers to questions like “Is this campaign a good idea?” and “Are you sure? Don’t just say that to me because I am a giant pile of money.”

Could I have been spent on something like a voter-registration drive, or an anti-voter-suppression effort, or even just, like, decreasing the number of uninsured people by a depressingly tiny fraction? Well, you know, sure. I would have been happy to rebuild Notre Dame also, which is a respectable use for the millions of billionaires; unfortunately, I did not get there in time. But I did, at least, go from one person to many people! That’s something, right?

Ultimately, it is nice to support local businesses, local radio stations, businesses owned by people of color, and the people who make plaid ties, whether or not it translates to any votes for Tom Steyer — and that was exactly what I did! It was pretty selfless of me I think. I helped make sure that all those who attended the Tom 2020 BattleReady Rally with Icona Pop and TLC on the eve of the Nevada caucuses were able to take discounted ride-shares home so they could party responsibly! It is little touches like this that make me feel I was not spent in vain, even if technically Tom Steyer is not president.

So if making sure that roadside-billboard-seers, Hulu users, radio listeners and TV viewers everywhere knew that Tom Steyer was an option available to them is not the best possible use of money — it is too late! I am already spent.

The more I think about it, the more at peace I am. I am just glad that I am not all in one place anymore. The greatest thing such a pile of money as myself can do is dissolve back into the universe, and I am grateful to Tom Steyer for being the cause of my return. The Steyer campaign was just a way for me to be, for a little while. If Tom Steyer’s campaign’s greatest purpose was to get me from him to other people — as other candidates’ tax plans would also do, but with the added bonus of some live performance events — there is dignity in that.

My best wishes to everyone remaining in the race, except the money that is currently supporting the Mike Bloomberg campaign. I can’t imagine what that guy has spent to run. Does he think he can buy the election?

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