Hey, Fam!

I’m sure the first question on your mind right now is: “How is the candle shop/storefront gym/pottery-painting place/kayak rental company that I patronized once, so long ago that I no longer remember the circumstances, coping in this time of trial?” Well, buds, we are meeting the challenge head-on, in the only way we know how. Our company way!!

We hear that last week’s email saying we would for the first time be sanitizing all the shared equipment was not what people wanted right now, exactly! Message received loud and clear! So we put our heads together to think of a way to come together and serve this cherished community. I know that you one-time visitors to Dave’s Putt-Putt Golf Kind of But Not Exactly Near the Beach don’t think of yourselves as a community, but we always have, and isn’t that what we need most right now? Community? Anyway, we have a special reward code, just for you! Please use it, and if you think the punny name we have given it is in poor taste, please, don’t send us an email about it! We are going through a lot right now, and that would be the email that broke us!!!

Sorry there are so many exclamation points in this email!!!!! We made a resolution this year to stop overusing exclamation points and to trust we would get our message through, but now that we are unlikely to see anyone face-to-face to convey meaning through non-verbal cues for maybe months, we can no longer take that risk!!! We’re not mad!! Please don’t think we’re mad!!

Do we sound a little worried to you? That is because we are! Yes, our product is kind of twee and non-vital, but you know what is very, very real? Our employees! Oh, God, they have families! Is there any chance you could buy a gift card or something while we take a reflective pause and try to rejigger our business model completely to accommodate a time in which people cannot transact business in communal locations? Please? !!!!!! Our problem is as real as this email is off-putting! Our faux-cutesy style of corporate communication is really not well-suited to this trying time! Please don’t think of our brand — think of our employees! Fam?

Uh, let me see. I, the CEO, (maybe you want to hear from the CEO now?) just want to tell you I am glad you are “keeping the torch running” in this tough time. Here are some ill-chosen emojis! We are also in touch with Uncomfortably Friendly Bank-Coffeehouse Hybrid and Food Subscription Service, and we are closely monitoring all new developments, as befits members of the community of people who unexpectedly have your email address. You may be thinking, “I am not part of the Sam’s Kayak Family, and to be completely honest, I did not know you had my information!” To that we say: We hear you, we see you, and we are so proud to have you in the Sam’s Kayak Family.

Yes, you would have thought that after six years, maybe you would have gotten deleted from our database. But we thought in this trying time, you might want to know that the company whose six-page waiver you hastily signed in order to go Drunk Rafting during your friend’s bachelorette had a cogent, thoughtful and mature response to the covid-19 epidemic that was at least on par with if not light years ahead of the federal government’s.

Ill-chosen emojis,

Your CEO

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