Opinions

Now introducing personal protective equipment — For Him!

(Tara Jacoby for The Washington Post)

Men, are you worried that wearing a mask is “submission” and “muzzling yourself” and “looks weak, especially for men”? Do you think that “I don’t see it,” except possibly at a “mask facility”?

Well, worry no longer! Introducing: Masks For Him! We put the “mask” in “toxic maskulinity”!

We’ve all been there. Someone has told you to wear safety gear, but you don’t want anyone to suspect you care about your own personal safety or that of others. Well, with this new line of DANGEROUS PERSONAL SAFETY EQUIPMENT, now you can feel more dangerous than ever — while wearing protection!

These are gloves — but they are COVERED IN BLADES! Don’t worry; your hands aren’t protected at all! In fact, they’re more in danger than they’ve ever been! Definitely don’t touch your face!

There’s also the Your Personality. This distancing tool will keep people from getting close to you not just on the sidewalk but in all aspects of life, and not just right now but for decades to come! And don’t worry — it’s made of acid!

Best of all, we offer many masks, ranging from the Ultimate Mask (a VHS copy of “Rambo” you can duct tape to your face) to the HYPER-ULTIMATE MASK (a VHS copy of “Rambo” you can staple to your face).

Most masks hug the face, and that is not sufficiently masculine. Here’s a mask that is GRAPPLING with the face out of anger, which you can tell because it is made of LIVE BEES!

This mask is not a thin surgical mask (what could be wimpier than a surgeon, who is a single letter away from being a fish) but a ZERO-PLY BOARD made of STRONG OAK WOOD! Not a hint of comfort! It covers the whole face and doesn’t even have eye holes! Stumble around in total darkness!

This World War I-inspired mask is made of razor wire! This mask says, “Not only do I misunderstand science, but I also misunderstand history!” It may not block particles of any size, but any coronavirus that crawls over that barbed wire is a coronavirus you can respect.

This mask is a helicopter! Anyone who sees you out and about as horrifying blades thresh mere millimeters from your nose will understand that you are not wearing a mask from weakness but from STRENGTH! Nothing says “weakness” like “acknowledging the limits of the human body" or “respecting science.”

THIS MASK IS MADE OF FIRE! THIS MASK IS MADE OF LAWNMOWERS! THIS MASK IS — OH, GOD, IT’S SOMEONE ELSE’S FACE! WHERE DID WE EVEN GET THIS? ARE WE IN SERIOUS LEGAL TROUBLE? TERRIFYING!

This mask has writing on it, and the writing says, “I DON’T HAVE ANY FEMALE FRIENDS!” This mask says “I FEAR EMOTIONAL INTIMACY!” This mask says “FEMALE BODY INSPECTOR” and is made of STAINLESS STEEL!

This mask is a dad who is not hugging you. THIS MASK IS A TANK!

Do they protect you? From looking weak, yes. From anything else, absolutely not!

So let everyone know that you are not protecting yourself against THEM — they are protecting themselves against YOU!

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Read more from Alexandra Petri:

The senator’s guide to reconvening without testing

Heroes, we cannot possibly repay you for your sacrifice, so we will make no effort to

Sweet God, where are Mike Pence’s eyes?

Submit a question for Petri’s May 12 live chat

Read a transcript of Petri’s May 5 live chat

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