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Opinion How Trump would fix other forms of testing

Already the numbers are going down! What a relief! (Oliver Contreras for The Washington Post)

“When you test, you have a case. When you test, you find something is wrong with people. If we didn’t do any testing, we would have very few cases.” — President Trump

One of the depressing things about testing for the novel coronavirus is that if you do too many tests, you will start getting more positive results. In fact, sometimes people who once tested negative will test positive! This is the downside to testing, as the president has so wisely observed. It is time we improved it, regarding both the coronavirus and the many other areas of life in which too-good testing leads to misery and general unease. Here are some suggested improvements, following the president’s logic.

Canary in a coal mine: Why keep wasting canaries just to find out whether hazardous gas is leaking around you? What a depressing thing to discover about your mine! With the E-Z Canary, you need never worry about losing a bird again. This canary is plastic and will never die. It will also not give you information about whether your mine has a dangerous leak, which is good. What you don’t know won’t hurt you, probably!

Geiger counter: AS SEEN ON TV! Worried about radiation? Don’t be! This counter from HBO’s “Chernobyl” only goes to 3.6 roentgens, which is not great but also not terrible. Some people look at Chernobyl and see a horrible disaster not to be repeated. Others look at Chernobyl and see something that did well on television!

Full coverage of the coronavirus pandemic

Spedometer: This only goes to 0. Now, you’re never speeding, no matter how fast you’re going!

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Burned-out headlights: Don’t you hate when you see something in the road that you’re about to hit? Now you will never have to worry about that again. What a weight off your mind!

Thermometer: Having a fever can be bad. That could indicate that something is wrong inside your body! Good thing this thermometer stops at 98.6. You will never have a fever again. The lower numbers are still there, though, so watch out for hypothermia!

Pregnancy test: Guaranteed to say “not pregnant.” Wow!

Stopped clock: Would it really make you happier to know what time it was? Every hour is practically the same! Plus, it is right twice a day, and maybe this is one of those times!

Annual physical results: This is just a piece of paper saying that your body is the best body ever and has no flaws. Is it true, at all? Sure! Truth is what your mind makes it.

Not testing for covid-19: Already the numbers are going down! What a relief!

Covid-19 test that always comes back negative: We did it!

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Coronavirus: What you need to know

Vaccines: The CDC recommends that everyone age 5 and older get an updated covid booster shot designed to target both the original virus and the omicron variant. Here’s some guidance on when you should get the omicron booster and how vaccine efficacy could be affected by your prior infections.

Variants: Instead of a single new Greek letter variant, a group of immune-evading omicron spinoffs are popping up all over the world. Any dominant variant will likely knock out monoclonal antibodies, targeted drugs that can be used as a treatment or to protect immunocompromised people.

Tripledemic: Hospitals are overwhelmed by a combination of respiratory illnesses, staffing shortages and nursing home closures. And experts believe the problem will deteriorate further in coming months. Here’s how to tell the difference between RSV, the flu and covid-19.

Guidance: CDC guidelines have been confusing — if you get covid, here’s how to tell when you’re no longer contagious. We’ve also created a guide to help you decide when to keep wearing face coverings.

Where do things stand? See the latest coronavirus numbers in the U.S. and across the world. In the U.S., pandemic trends have shifted and now White people are more likely to die from covid than Black people. Nearly nine out of 10 covid deaths are people over the age 65.

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