Now some are reacting with horror because he confirmed he’s actually taking the stuff (with a zinc chaser), which has been found to cause heart trouble but apparently is not effective against the coronavirus. Who knew that when Trump called hydroxychloroquine a “game changer,” the sport he had in mind was Russian roulette? House Speaker Nancy Pelosi speculated that the “morbidly obese” Trump is putting himself in danger. Fact-check: Mostly false! His obesity is garden-variety, not morbid. He has room for many more pills, supplements and tonics.
That’s a good thing, because Trump ordered about 30 million doses of hydroxychloroquine, now of dubious value. But he shouldn’t limit himself to his favorite drug. At this moment, his highest service to the country would be to commit himself to personally testing other unproven treatments for covid-19.
The president has botched the pandemic response, and he is now botching the economic recovery. But he could put his talents to use by serving as a full-time lab animal, a national guinea pig, a cavy-in-chief. He probably won’t find a cure, but Trump, by acting as a one-man FDA, would do something almost as helpful: Distract himself from doing yet more damage to the country.
First, Trump will want to take up smoking, or at least slap on a nicotine patch; French researchers think that will prevent the virus.
And of course, he’ll go through a couple of bottles of his favorite quarterback Tom Brady’s “immunity blend supplement,” out this week, featuring larch tree extract and elderberry. “You’re gonna love it,” Brady says.
However, some in the Middle East believe camel urine to be more effective as an antiviral; Trump will be able to settle this dispute conclusively.
Trump will tell America and the world, once and for all, whether it is true, as some Facebook users have learned, that red soap and white handkerchiefs are more anti-viral than those of other colors. He will answer YouTube users wondering whether a blend of rum, bleach and fabric softener sanitizes hands. He will see if Alex Jones’s “SuperBlue” toothpaste eradicates the virus.
Our selfless president will inhale high concentrations of hydrogen peroxide. He will inject his lungs with household cleaners. He will expose himself to all manner of light rays. He will gargle salt water. He will sterilize his nostrils with cocaine. Around his neck he will wear a Japanese anti-viral pendant, in his eyes he will put makabuhay sap, and on his skin he will rub CBD oil. He will eat garlic and bananas, onions and lemons, burdock root and poisonous datura seeds. And at the end of each day he will take five deep breaths and then cough.
I guarantee that if the president isolates himself in the Oval Office and devotes himself to doing all this and nothing else, he will be safe from the virus. And the rest of us will be safer, too: There’s not much opportunity for mischief when you’re spending your days applying violet-oil cotton balls to your derriere in a room darkened by volcanic ash.
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