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Opinion Trump explains his favorite Bible stories

It's *a* Bible. (Patrick Semansky/AP)
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If there was one thought in America’s mind when it watched our gallant president stride to St. John’s Episcopal Church and heft a Bible in one hand, it was: That man has definitely seen or held a Bible — or, indeed, any book — before, and he knows it cover to cover, from Genesis to Two Corinthians and even beyond! But what could be his favorite stories from that much-loved book of his, or someone’s? Here is my best guess.

Genesis: Two fools want more, better information rather than to feel blissfully ignorant all the time. They meet Tim Apple.

Exodus: Egypt, a land of very good administration, responds correctly to a series of plagues by changing nothing about its daily lives or routines.

Golden Calf: People are inexplicably punished for worshiping something shiny and fake.

Daniel: Ferocious beasts defy their duty to attack a man who has committed an offense against his ruler.

Lazarus: Very good illustration of how easy it is to recover if you put your mind to it and why nobody needs health coverage.

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Job: Someone is treated almost but not quite as badly as Donald Trump gets treated every day.

Ruth: Ruth accompanies her relative Naomi to a new country in a disgraceful instance of chain migration.

Two Corinthians: There are Corinthians, and there are two of them, for sure!

Joshua and the Battle of Jericho: Very sad story about a man blowing blasts on a trumpet and damaging a wall.

Solomon: A man suggests a very good way of dealing with a disputed baby, but a nasty woman interferes.

Lot: A man’s wife does something different with herself physically, and he sort of notices after the fact.

David and Goliath: Someone makes the mistake of flinging a projectile at a heavily-armored man; they will need to come down on him hard.

Noah: This is a good, inspiring story about a wise man in a floating bunker avoiding a catastrophe, but on the other hand it is bad because he is also surrounded by animals, birds, reptiles — disgusting.

Jonah and the Whale: Bunker again, but worse.

Esther: Failed king listens to a woman about not inflicting violence on people?

Revelation: Beautiful first draft of Trump inauguration speech.

Abraham: Man confusingly remains married to the same woman for decades.

Temptation of Jesus: Man offered infinite worldly power; says no, like an idiot.

Crucifixion: Agitator gets what is coming to him.

The White House video of Trump's visit to St. John's Episcopal Church in D.C. erases the violent attack on protesters by authorities that preceded it. (Video: The Washington Post, Photo: Patrick Semansky/AP/The Washington Post)

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