White House historian: The thing you have to understand about the spring of 2020 is that everyone was very worried about the bunker. Nobody knew if the president’s bunker was any good or not. The whole country was rising up and protesting in the streets, and it was all, having to do with, because of it’s the bunker. Are you going to write that down just like I said it? I feel like I flubbed it.

Secret Service agent: The thought that there are uninspected bunkers sitting out there, ready to strike, like the Yellowstone caldera — sends chills down my spine. It’s probably the greatest problem in America today, a place with very, very few other problems.

Unnamed official: The president is much too brave to ever huddle in a bunker. He knows the safest place was in the bosom of the people, for he did not consider the American people his enemy in the slightest. But maybe he might want to use the bunker for other reasons, like to fill with Bibles or if he wanted to get into beekeeping but not do it very well.

Intern: Everyone in the Secret Service was absolutely in a tizzy, not because they were concerned for the president’s safety, or because they did not know where they would be able to quickly source some creepy barricade fence things to seal the White House off from the people, but for a third reason that I am going to disclose at the end of the sentence after stringing the listener along to heighten their suspense. Oh no, I forgot to disclose it! I’m very nervous.

Secret Service agent: We had always known an inspection was coming, but we did not realize how urgent it was getting. I’d heard rumors, so I asked the president, “Sir, is it true that you are a great bunker inspector, sir?” And with his characteristic modesty, he just shrugged and said, “I thought everyone knew that.” And I said, “Sir. Sir.”

Vice President Pence: When I found out that our President, Donald J. Trump, was the world’s foremost bunker inspector, you can bet I wept tears of joy. I thanked our Creator for His wisdom in putting into a position of such power a man whose skills were so uniquely, so beautifully, so divinely suited for this important task. I am weeping now just thinking about it.

White House historian: It happened so quickly. The need was there, and he instantly rose — or, I suppose, sunk — to the occasion and saw what needed to be done. He said, take me to the bunker. I will inspect it immediately. There’s no time to be lost.

Pence: I am still weeping just thinking about it. God has truly blessed this nation with a man who was carved and molded by the Almighty for just such an hour. There shall be a time for speaking, and a time for inspecting of bunkers — and Donald Trump was formed unto that time. I hope that God looks like Donald Trump.

The Bunker: When I heard that President Trump was going to be inspecting me — I — words fail me. I had been saying, for a long time, someone has to look into this, and by “this,” I mean, myself.

Dr. Geraldine Moomin, No. 2 bunker inspector in the world: I got the call weeks ago when they were realizing how urgent it was to inspect the bunker. And I said, “I can do it, but there is someone far better who can do it in a tiny, little, short period of time (which is the best way to do it, otherwise it frightens the bunker and it can turn on you). All he has to do is to go down and take a look, and then you can be sure that bunker was inspected.”

Secret Service agent: I could not believe what I was hearing. I said, “Ma’am.”

The Bunker: It was a great inspection. So beautiful. The fastest inspection I’ve ever undergone. He just took a look and left. All during broad daylight.

Secret Service agent: And you could hear this incredible clamor, unbelievable, from the street, like hundreds of voices shouting, “Sir, inspect this bunker, sir, we don’t believe it is even possible, but if anyone can do it, it is you! We love you and we believe in you, sir!”

Pence: Some people even pushed over a couple of barriers, I think, in their enthusiasm that this bunker had been inspected for a very short time, earlier, during the daylight.

White House press secretary Kayleigh McEnany: It was a complete triumph and an act of incredible bravery, and I think you have to ask yourself why you aren’t reporting this.

Secret Service agent: (Weeping) Sir.

The Bunker: (Weeping) Sir.

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