Once we have gotten rid of all the Confederate monuments that are cluttering up American cities, devil’s advocates wonder, what will become of other statues? What about the ones that actually enhance their surroundings? Will they be the next to go? Look, maybe all statues are bad. If you start from the concept that all statues are bad and ought to be gotten rid of, what is there to object to in each particular statue? Let’s explore this concept together!
Winged Victory of Samothrace
Perpetuates unrealistic beauty standard that women have two wings and zero heads.
Beautiful and sad, but whoever they cast as Mary is obviously the same age as her son.
Art sends a message. This art says, “This fountain is full of urine.”
The Peanuts characters
No one looks like this, horrifying, harrowing to behold. These were two-dimensional cartoon drawings of what I presume were actual people-like people; to render them three-dimensionally transforms them into monsters. Terrifying, alarming, not to be stood.
Creepy Lucille Ball statue
Lucille Ball made people laugh, and this statue makes people laugh that high-pitched nervous laugh of terror that you laugh while backing away, which is better, I guess, than not laughing.
Outdoor Cat Tombili
Perpetuates unrealistic beauty standard for cats (has shoulders, made of metal).
Alice in Wonderland
TEA PARTY PROPAGANDA!
Enormous Reflective Bean
This is confusing and might attract an enormous squirrel or bird made of reflective metal who wanted it for a snack, and then where would the city of Chicago be?
Lacks realism; why would anyone voluntarily go to National Harbor?
Make Way for Ducklings
Where are the stakes? This should be moved into the middle of a busy intersection.
This is neither a balloon nor a dog.
Birds don’t look like this. Something is the matter with this bird.
Colossus of Rhodes
I know it doesn’t exist anymore, but I hear bad things.
Shouldn’t be operating a slingshot while nude; could get hurt.
Nothing wrong with it in itself save that it implies the existence (as others have noted) of enormous stone genitalia somewhere deep in the rock.
This is nice! How did they get the stones up there? Fascinated about those stones!
Big Einstein Statue
This is bad because you can sit on its knee and ask it for science — but it doesn’t answer, and this gives Santa an underserved edge. Also, people who look at this statue will think, “Of course it was easy for Einstein to accomplish all that science; he was the size of a small building!” and this will discourage STEM.
I am worried about this man. Any problem that can have been engaging him in thought has doubtless been resolved by now, and someone should tap him on the shoulder and let him go.
The risk that even one person might be asked what goes on four legs in the morning, two in the middle of the day, and three at night and then as a consequence have to marry his mother is TOO GREAT!
I hate this. A bull symbolizes an upwardly trending market, whereas a bear symbolizes a downwardly trending market; the little girl staring down the bull represents, I guess, that women are not afraid to want stocks to do badly? But that is the opposite of what the company who put it there as a publicity stunt was trying to say! Wild! Confusing! Does not spark joy. Get that girl out of the way of that bull!
Perpetuates unrealistic beauty standard for humans (half-fish) and fish (half-human).
Weird Melted Statue of Nathan Bedford Forrest
This is the only good statue.
Enormous Rio Jesus
Rockefeller Center Atlas
Unconvincing. The Earth looks too light. Atlas appears to be malingering.
Russian Statue of a Lab Mouse in Spectacles Knitting Some DNA
The ASPCA commercial of statues. It is too sad and makes me want to hurl a shoe.
Is this really a statue? Just in case it is, I would like it removed.
Maman the Big Spider
Either remove it or put it in Statuary Hall over any other statue you would like to get out of there. Jefferson Davis is not a compelling statue on his own, but Jefferson Davis being devoured by an enormous spider is the next best thing to not having him there at all.
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