“The National Garden should be located on a site of natural beauty that enables visitors to enjoy nature, walk among the statues, and be inspired to learn about great figures of America’s history. The site should be proximate to at least one major population center, and the site should not cause significant disruption to the local community.”

… and furthermore the National Garden must be opened to public access before July 4, 2026, for no reason, and certainly not to propitiate any sinister forces that need to be propitiated. There is nothing cursed about the National Garden of American Heroes. Do not be concerned! The below warnings are just to ensure that you have a nice time. We do not anticipate any incidents from the National Garden of American Heroes.

Warnings To Visitors!

  • Be sure to enter the National Garden before dusk. Bring a penny from no earlier than 2006, a copy of the Constitution, sturdy shoes and headphones. Come alone.
  • The entrance to the National Garden of American Heroes is behind the Dolley Madison statue. If Dolley Madison is a painting and not a statue, do not attempt to enter the garden.
  • The thing that looks like an abstract or modernist rendering of Benjamin Franklin is NOT a statue. The president’s proclamation was careful to specify that all statues in the National Garden would be “lifelike or realistic representations.” Do not look at it. Keep walking.
  • The low rumbling that comes from the base of Amelia Earhart is normal. (This is #12 on your audio guide.) Only if the low rumbling is accompanied by a faint tapping sound, as if someone is trying to find a way out of a hollow, metal container, should you begin to make your way out of the garden — not hastily, but not haltingly, either, and always keeping Amelia to your left.
  • If Clara Barton’s jaw unhinges and she begins to speak, plug your ears any way you can. Do not make your way toward Clara Barton, no matter what she says to you.
  • There is a stone that marks the northwest corner of the National Garden. Familiarize yourself with the location of this stone. Some nights, the stone looks like Daniel Boone, and another garden will appear to extend indefinitely beyond him. Do not walk into that garden, even if it seems to contain Betsy Ross and you have always wanted to see Betsy Ross. You have not always wanted to see Betsy Ross. There is nothing there for you.
  • It is normal if when you leave the garden, you don’t remember the face of the Warrior Against International Socialism. You will see it only once again, at the moment before your death.
  • THERE IS ONLY ONE JOHN ADAMS STATUE! If you see the Other John Adams, TAKE IMMEDIATE ACTION. Walk as quickly as you can to the sculpture of Antonin Scalia and touch its robe, unless the statue is holding up its hand. If so, turn and make your way to Audie Murphy. Be sure, before you visit the garden, to familiarize yourself with how Audie Murphy should and should not look. Only walk toward Audie Murphy. If you can’t remember Audie Murphy’s face, take the penny from your pocket and look at the head. The head will be Audie Murphy. If there is no head, take the Bill of Rights from your pocket and read it aloud, slowly, however long it is, and whether or not it contains rights that you do not remember. If you come to the Mars resolution, you have gone too far.
  • Some nights Alexander Hamilton is Lin-Manuel Miranda. It’s fine.
  • This should go without saying, but Orville and Wilbur Wright should not be holding James Madison three feet aloft with their metal faces distorted into expressions of triumph, but if they are, do not be alarmed. The statue of Booker T. Washington will be along shortly to sort things out.
  • If you hear the whistle of a lonesome train, run as quickly as you can to the feet of Harriet Beecher Stowe. If you get there before the whistle blows a second time, Stowe will show you America as it ought to be, but if you get there by the third whistle, you will only see America as it is, and the vision will break you.
  • If the statue of Columbus is there, walk rapidly to the exit of the National Garden of American Heroes. The statue of Columbus is allowed to be there, but it is not supposed to be there.
  • If you stand too close to Henry Clay, when you try to step away from him, you will be unable to move. There is nothing to do then but to accept your fate. In the morning, the National Garden of American Heroes will contain an unidentified Pioneer. The contents of your pockets will be in a neat pile next to it. All records of your human existence will have vanished — save the hint of a smirk on Henry Clay’s lips.
  • The site is near only one major population center for a reason.
  • That is not the Marquis de Lafayette.

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