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Opinion The 10 new names the Washington football team should really consider

(Tom Toles/The Washington Post)

Welcome to Round 66! I’m rankings wrangler Drew Goins. For this installment, we thought we’d take a break from elections proper, but leave it to us to turn to a matter equally political: what to rename the Washington football team. As the worldwide wave of removals and renamings made its way to FedEx Field and the team announced a review of its racially insensitive name, all of D.C. got to brainstorming, the Power Rankers no exception. And who knows — maybe a new name would bring the team more favorable winds. As Karen Tumulty reminds us: “What do you call a bunch of millionaires sitting around watching the Super Bowl on television? The Washington football team.Read on for the definitive best names.

— Drew Goins

The Washington Consensus

Impenetrable, uncompromising, working in concert to bulldoze any obstacle in its path — whether an opposing team’s defense or high local taxes. The rebranded team is committed to free trade (of players) and zero subsidies (for construction of new stadiums). Mascot is an invisible hand.

— Catherine Rampell

The Washington Swamp

A team nickname should have a relation to the city or its history, and the Swamp qualifies for many reasons. First, it’s what D.C. was built on. Second, it’s what many Americans think modern D.C. is. Third, it’s where the team has been stuck since Daniel Snyder bought it. Imagine the cool merchandise — brownish-green helmet with a brown swamp picture! Imagine the new songs — “Hail to the Swamp Things, hail futility. Bogs sinking slowly, fight for our D.C.”! Think of the fans’ makeup — the Hogs become the Bogs!

— Henry Olsen

The Washington Half-Smokes

Ben’s Chili Bowl might be a bit of a cliche for D.C. residents, but it’s also a highly visible business that had a real brush with death due to the coronavirus and was bailed out from closing by a virus relief loan. Given that Ben’s also survived the 1968 riots, it’s really a national symbol of resilience in the face of extreme adversity. It’s also an enduring piece of African American history in a majority-minority city that’s full of it. But enough of the earnest talk: The one thing everyone wants to do most right now is go out and eat — especially something as messy and unhealthy as possible!

— Greg Sargent

The Washington Gridlock

Describes our traffic, our politics and the team offense.

— Megan McArdle

The Washington Deep State

The mascot will be a Faceless Bureaucrat. The team colors will be gray and a slightly different shade of gray. They will punt on the third down. The Congressional Budget Office will run the scoreboard, with the Office of Management and Budget offering a rosier “dynamic” version of the score. The line judge will — of course — be the Government Accountability Office.

— Karen Tumulty

The Washington Giant Rats

Back when I lived in Washington, some rats made an underground tunnel/nest in my front yard. My housemates and I tried to drive it out with smoke bombs, creative digging and oh-so-many other tactics, but nothing worked. That’s when I got a real appreciation for the intelligence and tenacity of the D.C. Giant Rat. I’d be proud to cheer for the Rats, and I’d be afraid to play against a team named for them.

— David Byler

The Washington Committees

This one comes with a nod to our own George Will: “Football combines two of the worst things in American life. It is violence punctuated by committee meetings." The opposing quarterback will be referred to as the Ranking Member. Special teams will be renamed subcommittees. Delay-of-game penalties will be filibusters, and road games will be codels.

— Jennifer Rubin

The Washington Fighting Admirals

The name already has a website, natural ties to the region and a significant backer in Adm. James Stavridis, former supreme allied commander of NATO and a frequent and welcome presence on all media. The Army will complain, but since the Washington Generals are the perennial losers to the Harlem Globetrotters, that name is a non-starter.

— Hugh Hewitt

The Washington Citizens

Not the most warlike of names, but that’s a positive. Citizenship, after all, is our highest duty. Citizens are heroes. And there’s the added benefit of irony if the team builds its new stadium in D.C., since residents of the nation’s capital are denied their full rights as citizens. Alternatively, there’s the Washington Americans. Hell, just go for it — and dare anybody to root against our team.

— Eugene Robinson

The Washington Red Line

Constantly on fire, and not in a good way.

— Christine Emba

Previous round: Round 65 | Trump looks down and out. But the 2024 GOP field is forming.

Agree? Disagree? Share your thoughts in the comments. We’ll see you for the next round. Until then, your rankings wrangler submits for consideration: the Washington Go-Gos.

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Karen Tumulty: Reagan said Democrats had no ideas. Now that’s true of the GOP.

Washington’s NFL team name change: What you need to know

Washington’s NFL team revealed that it will be the Commanders, a tribute to Washington’s military ties.

For more than two decades, Washington NFL team owner Daniel Snyder fiercely resisted calls to change the name of his team, despite protests that the name is offensive to Native Americans.

After immense pressure for a change and an internal review of the name, the team announced in 2020 that it will “retire” the name.

When it became apparent that there was no simple way to quickly pick a new name, navigate trademark issues and design a logo, the team announced that it will play as the Washington Football Team and pick a permanent replacement name later.

A year and a half after retiring its old name and promising a new one, the Washington Football Team announced that it would unveil its name and logo Feb. 2.

The 18-month rebranding created a guessing game for fans, but it also has elicited optimism among players and coaches about a fresh start.

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