“People that you’ve never heard of. People that are in the dark shadows. . . . People that you haven’t heard of. They’re people that are on the streets. They’re people that are controlling the streets.”

Who are these people that are in the dark shadows?

Not so loud!

Are they different from the sex demons who are somehow to blame for covid-19?

We think they are different. We have never seen them in the same place. To be completely fair, we have never seen either of them. Once I thought I saw what I was sure was a Shadow Person but it turned out to be Stephen Miller in bright daylight.

If they fought the sex demons, would they win?

They are the allies of the sex demons and it would not be in their interest to fight.

Why haven’t I heard of them?

To know any more detail about them would destroy your mind; only a mind such as Donald Trump’s can comprehend exactly what they do in the shadows, can behold the nothing that is not there and the nothing that is.

How can President Trump identify these Shadow People?

Donald Trump was born with a gift that allowed him to see the Shadow People and avoid them. It is because of this gift that he surrounds himself only with such luminous beings as Paul Manafort and Steve Bannon and Roger Stone, who shine with a pure radiance and merit absolute trust.

Does Bill Barr know about the Shadow People?

He does now, and he is working on a way of accepting spectral evidence so that they can be properly brought to justice — as their allies were in Salem nearly 400 years ago!

Why am I only hearing about the Shadow People now?

Donald Trump was trying to protect you. He hates to tell anyone bad, scary news before the election, but he thought that “Donald Trump Is Working Hard to Fight the Shadow People (Whom You’ve Never Heard Of)” might not be an effective slogan if no one knew what he was talking about.

How can I tell if I am in thrall to the Shadow People?

If you are listening to the president speak about police shootings and he likens them to missing a golf putt, and you feel a cold, chilly, awfulness in the pit of your stomach — that is not the response you ought to have, and the Shadow People are probably to blame.

If I eat a painting of them, will they stop bothering the president?

Why not try it?

Are they vampires?

Donald Trump has it on good authority that someone saw them on a plane!

What?

Yes, a plane, and it was definitely something Donald Trump heard from a person who experienced it and not a loose meme that got caught in the clogged drain of his mind.

When were they on a plane?

Have you ever gotten onto a plane by yourself or with six other people and you see the other people getting on and you begin to be convinced as the plane fills up that all the other people are there for a purpose, and their minds are hardened against you, and they are all known to one another?

Huh?

And you know with a certainty that everyone else on the plane but you is going somewhere in particular with a sinister, ominous mission in their mind and they will do something alarming when they get there? (I have had this experience when on a plane that turned out to contain a show choir, for instance.)

Have these Shadow People always been a feature of America?

I’m glad you asked. The Shadow People have been present ever since someone glancing at the Washington Monument realized that it was the gnomon of an ominous sundial and stood in its shadow as the sun set; within that shadow were bits of deeper shadow. That man was Henry Clay; it was because the Thing from the Shadow followed him patiently out of it that the presidency always eluded him. It was long thought that the Shadow People could not cross the Mississippi River but that turned out to be what they wanted us to believe. And if you stare into the Masonic eye on the dollar too long, something small and gray will flit out of it into your eye and, from that moment onward, you will not know rest.

Donald Trump is going around saying that Shadow People are controlling Joe Biden and he knows someone who saw lots of these Shadow People getting on planes with lots of sinister intent. Whom should I worry about in this sentence?

Joe Biden, why do you ask?

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