On one thing, at least, we can count: Senate Republicans know that filling a Supreme Court vacancy is far too important a responsibility to rush through a nominee in the year before an election. Let alone in the last six weeks! They were very, very clear on that point four years ago, and their word means everything to them. I have no doubt they will do the right thing! (I’m sorry, after typing that, my voice shriveled up and I caught on fire.)

Mitch McConnell is a man of principle — oh, no, my hand melted and the bones became snakes and slithered away under my writing table. Lindsey Graham will do what is right — oh my goodness, I’m sinking into the earth! Help! My mouth is filling up with sand!

The Senate Republicans need simply be told that to push another nominee through now, before the election, would be hypocritical, after what they said in 2016 about Merrick Garland, and they are sure to stop. After all, their word means everything to them. Hmm, every Constitution in a six-mile radius just caught fire for no discernible reason.

They were in absolute earnest that the people must have their say. I cannot imagine them going back on their word — oh no, I’m imagining it. Oh, no, it’s happening. Who could have foreseen this?

“In the last 80 years, the Senate has not confirmed any nominee nominated during an election year, and we should not do so this time either,” Ted Cruz said last time. Would Ted Cruz go back on his word? If Ted Cruz does not abide by that precept now, I will eat my hat. Wow, this hat is delicious!

“The people deserve to be heard, and they should be allowed to decide through their vote for the next president, the type of person that should be on the Supreme Court,” weren’t just words that Charles Grassley was saying at that time, but a vow that will assuredly bind — oh God, locusts!

We must not have a partisan, divisive confirmation battle. That is the last thing we need, in an election year, as they so correctly said! They have established a clear precedent, and their word is their bond! A matter so important must be left up to the American people!

Thank God, thank God, Mitch McConnell will do the right thing. Thank God it isn’t all the ruthless exercise of power. When I think of people who are absolutely sure to stand upon principle and abide by their words, no matter the consequences, I think of Mitch McConnell, and then I start laughing and do not stop laughing.

Follow Alexandra Petri‘s opinionsFollowAdd

Read more from Alexandra Petri: