Look! Just like new!

Don’t cry! Why, in just a minute, I’ll have this old Supreme Court seat fixed right up just the same way you like it — with a lady in it! And you can call her by her initials as though she is a rapper, and it will be just as cool as it was before. Notorious ACB! Practically identical! I can order up some T-shirts for you to give your daughter right now, to empower her! This is empowering.

Is her jurisprudence the same? It doesn’t have to be the same, does it? Well, it’s the same in the ways that count: It is the jurisprudence of a woman, who is female, just like Ruth Bader Ginsburg was. If there is one thing I took from the rulings of Justice Ginsburg, it is that you can make broad categorizations of people on the basis of sex. That was her catchphrase, I think. I wasn’t paying a huge amount of attention; something about women’s voices always drains my focus.

But their sex is the same! You must be thrilled by that. In fact, ACB is younger, which is even cooler — she will be around a long, long time! ACB can wear a fun collar on dissent day, too, just like Ginsburg did! But probably she will need to dissent a lot less. Just a feeling I have.

The point is, it would be hypocritical of you to find fault with her, because she and Ginsburg are just alike where it counts most — whether they are cherished friends, are nice in person or have lovely families. And the lady thing. Those are the most important similarities for two justices to possess. Everything else is trivial. Stop asking about stare decisis.

Really, I don’t see what you can possibly object to in this selection. Look, ACB has a husband who cooks, too! You can feel just as represented as you did before, knowing that there were three women on the highest court in the land. One, two, three! I bet you could read a book about her to your infant daughter, or dress her up as ACB for Halloween, and your infant daughter would barely notice the difference. What more do you want?

Their differences matter more than their similarities? No, no, I don’t think so, baby doll. Trust me. I know what you care about. It is always good and satisfying to you ladies when any woman is in any position of power, no matter the woman, no matter the impact of that power on other people. You must be ecstatic: The gun pointing at you is pink, and the person pointing it is female!

Sweetheart, this is not at all like when they tried to replace Justice Antonin Scalia with Merrick Garland. Scalia and Garland were both men, and men are nothing alike! They are all individuals who are totally distinct and not interchangeable, one whit! That would be like saying you could replace Hamilton with Jefferson, or Donald Trump with Joe Biden, or a statue of Christopher Columbus with a statue of someone different. Men have philosophies and judicial legacies to consider! There would have been nothing satisfactory at all to people who loved Scalia’s approach to the Constitution in the notion that someone with similar genitalia was being suggested for his old position.

But this is nothing like that. These are ladies!

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