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Opinion Hey Trump Fans! The President is BACK and You’re Invited to Attend an Exclusive Masque!

My apologies to Edgar Allan Poe. (Andrew Medichini/AP)


You’re going to love this.

President Trump is back and he’s choosing a SELECT FEW of his VERY BEST SUPPORTERS from around the Country to join him at a HIGHLY EXCLUSIVE MASQUE. The coronavirus rages outside, but inside, you can join with President Trump, who is feeling more dauntless and sagacious than he ever has, at a ONE-OF-A-KIND INDOOR PARTY!

I know the messaging around masques has been confusing — Trump seemed pretty anti-mask, even when he had just emerged from the hospital. But don’t let that make YOU anti-MASQUE! This masque is not for protecting anyone! It’s an exclusive party in a deeply secluded, crenellated abbey GIRDED WITH GATES OF IRON! Like the wall was supposed to be, but also crenellated! This ball does technically require masks, but only to cover the top part of your face in DELIRIOUS FANCIES SUCH AS THE MADMAN FASHIONS!

Are you up to the challenge?

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This masque is going to be LIT! Indeed, it features SEVEN INDOOR ROOMS OF DIFFERENT COLORS, each literally lit through STAINED GLASS by a FIRE in a BRAZIER OF ENORMOUS SIZE! The final room is decked ENTIRELY IN BLACK VELVET, and the stained glass window of that room is red, but GHASTLY IN THE EXTREME! Like the FREE HAT you’ll get if you RSVP right now!

Don’t wait! Time’s a-ticking! As we can tell because in that final chamber of black velvet there is AN IMMENSE CLOCK OF EBONY whose OMINOUS STRIKING, UPON THE HOUR, will start you from your revelry and cast a pall over the WHOLE OCCASION! Basement Joe Biden would NEVER DARE to enter that FINAL ROOM!

Just to be considered for this guest list is a huge honor. Don’t hesitate to attend. You won’t want to miss this GAY AND MAGNIFICENT REVEL in what promise to be DENSELY CROWDED APARTMENTS where we will BID DEFIANCE TO CONTAGION! All the fun and excitement of the Amy Coney Barrett nomination announcement, but with MUCH OF THE BEAUTIFUL, MUCH OF THE WANTON, MUCH OF THE BIZARRE, SOMETHING OF THE TERRIBLE, AND NOT A LITTLE OF THAT WHICH MIGHT HAVE EXCITED DISGUST!

The President can’t wait to get back out on the campaign trail and back at events with supporters, and he can’t think of a better way to kick things off than with this ASSEMBLY of PHANTASMS! There are some who MIGHT THINK HIM MAD! But HIS FOLLOWERS FEEL THAT HE IS NOT! It is NECESSARY to hear and see and touch him to be sure! So RSVP Now!

We don’t know if there’s going to be a buffet, but that seems like it’s generally the vibe.

But wait, did I mention? There may even be a special SURPRISE GUEST at the end of the evening, a MASKED FIGURE WHO HAD ARRESTED THE ATTENTION OF NO SINGLE INDIVIDUAL BEFORE, TALL AND GAUNT, AND SHROUDED IN THE HABILIMENTS OF THE GRAVE! Wow! Wearing a COSTUME that OUT-HERODS HEROD and which I for one am DYING to see! A mummer who will go so far as to ASSUME THE VERY TYPE OF THE RED DEATH! You won’t want to miss it!

But you have to hurry! There are only a FEW SPOTS LEFT! That OMINOUS, ENORMOUS EBONY CLOCK BENEATH THE WINDOW OF BLOOD-RED IS TICKING, and we can’t hold your spot for much longer!


Team Trump

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