Hi! I’m Rudy Giuliani! Have you been injured in an election? Do you think you should be president, but due to an unexpected setback, you’ve wound up short by thousands of votes in key states? Hire me, and you will get the settlement you deserve! And I mean the settlement you deserve!

I put the “personal injury” in “personal injury lawyer”! Most lawyers are chasing after the ambulance, and not the reverse, but I guarantee that if you have not already suffered a strange injury, I WILL inflict one on your case, through my precise level of knowledge of the law!

Do you have a weird laptop of unclear provenance? Do you need, not a good lawyer, just someone who is technically a lawyer? Call me, the former mayor of New York, a man who has been a candidate for president and who once took down mobsters but is in a Different! Place! Now!

Have other law firms withdrawn from your litigation on the grounds that an attempt to undermine the legitimacy of the election is not something they want to be a part of? I won’t! Call me! My cellphone number is readily available! Maybe TOO available, and I DO text back, even if I don’t know who you ARE!

I have almost THREE DECADES OF EXPERIENCE since the last time I was in a courtroom! But my skills remain just as sharp as my understanding of the law! Please pay me $2,000 an hour, unless you want to pay me a different amount; I’m going to leave it up to you!

With me in your corner, judges will be wowed. Most judges who have had to deal with me so far have been rendered TEMPORARILY SPEECHLESS and also MADE FACES!

I guarantee OPACITY — is a word whose meaning will elude me when I appear in court on your behalf! I will say something to the judge like, “I’m not quite sure I know what ‘opacity’ means. It probably means you can see, right?” and then the judge will say, “It means you can’t,” and I will say, “Big words, your honor.” That’s the kind of legal representation you can expect from me! It’s on the record!

I promise that, when it comes to standards of scrutiny, I will get “the normal one” applied on your behalf! I have never heard of strict scrutiny and I won’t ask for it! Sean Hannity thinks I’m doing a GOOD JOB!

Can you afford literally anyone else to represent you? Don’t do that! If you aren’t a lawyer yourself and don’t know what a lawyer ought to sound like, or basic details of the law, I bet hiring me will seem like a great idea!

I am definitely a lawyer! I have a surefire way to overturn any election result you dislike, or this isn’t the Four Seasons Hotel!

Call toll-free now!

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The MAGA march on D.C. showed Trump supporters are not a monolith, but their dedication to the president is singular. (The Washington Post)

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