Across the United States, millions of people pointedly spurning CDC advice as they celebrated Thanksgiving during a time of increased covid-19 community spread were excited to hearken back to the very first traditions of European settlement in the Americas.

“We wanted to keep alive the customs these settlers helped start,” explained one family that was traveling hundreds of miles to spread disease to people they didn’t know because they thought the trip would be best for their family. “We just want to do the same thing they did, but in a way that includes a dish that somehow incorporates both marshmallows and sweet potatoes.”

These Thanksgiving reenactors were dedicated to making sure the holiday got the celebration it deserved. “Usually," another ardent patriot said, "my Thanksgiving celebration is based on a selective and misleading interpretation of history. This year, it will be based on a selective and misleading interpretation of science as well. And I brought green beans with those weird little packaged onion things on them!”

“It’s a point of pride with me to ignore any guidelines that would prevent my bringing pestilence with me to this important family holiday,” one celebrator noted. “The Pilgrims didn’t pay attention to any guidelines! Dare I act as though to be alive now offers me any advantages over what they had?"

One matriarch, sticking her entire arm into the slick carcass of a bird, offered, "It’s important to me that my Thanksgiving keeps the traditions of those first fur traders and colonists alive: where I feel as though I am absolutely and divinely right to do what I am doing and refuse to connect my actions with consequences in any way.”

“I was watching a PBS special about the Pilgrims,” one American said, “and they spent their entire first winter in Massachusetts before Thanksgiving just watching their family members die. They carried them out to the woods, propped them up against trees and left them there to give the illusion that the settlement was guarded. That wasn’t something we incorporated into our Thanksgiving before, but it’s never too late to start a new tradition, provided that new tradition does not involve Zoom in any way!”

“If the attendees at the first Thanksgiving had been able to choose between having all their loved ones alive or having a big, celebratory meal a single time, I am pretty sure that they would have chosen the second thing,” said another traveler, who added that under no circumstances would he be shamed by any stay-at-home recommendations, CDC-issued or otherwise, because he thought they were part of the War on Christmas, and therefore they made him upset. “I think it’s just typical P.C. nonsense to try to shoehorn new liberal fads like germ theory into our traditional American holidays. Next they’ll be saying that the reason Santa can’t catch covid-19 is because he’s fictional."

“I am excited to get back to what I erroneously thought was the true essence of Thanksgiving,” added an uncle. “And that’s drawing a hand turkey and feeling good about myself without thinking about the suffering and struggle of the Wampanoag people one bit.” The fact that he got to have his ill-advised gathering in the midst of an ongoing pandemic that was disproportionately devastating indigenous communities was just another detail that made this uncle feel that he was participating in a great national tradition. “I’m going to do what I’m going to do, and if they try to tell me I can’t, they’ve got another thing coming! This is America!” he said, stamping his foot for emphasis on what technically is Piscataway land.

“I’m just glad we’re getting back to the roots of this holiday, which is long-distance travel, vectors of disease and the devastation of families. I hated how Thanksgiving had evolved into a holiday where you were supposed to gather and have a political argument and leave without fearing you were carrying any disease to your community or others.'" He concluded by saying you could take the turkey from his cold, dead hands.

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