With reports that a cat will be joining President-elect Joe Biden in the White House, rumors are afoot as to what qualified feline will soon be sitting in the lap of power, before jumping off the lap of power and going to knock things off the mantelpiece of power. The ideal Biden cat will be experienced and reflect America in some way, although given that large swaths of us have begun lashing out after being locked in the house for months, this should not be difficult.

Biden is said to be leaning toward a cat who is already a familiar household name, leading some Republican senators to accuse him of witchcraft and pledge not to approve his nominee, because they stopped reading this sentence at the word “familiar.”

Here are the cats most rumored to be in contention for the White House role. All would have to undergo vetting.

The Venerable Ghost of Socks: An experienced White House feline viewed as an elder statescat who managed to stay above the fray during the Clinton era, Socks would be a shoo-in.

Aslan: Aslan’s strong religious faith is likely to make him a polarizing pick, but his selection would certainly send a message. Aslan might clash with previously announced nominees to the Biden Cabinet, both because he is known for vanishing into wardrobes for long periods of time and because he is weird about women sometimes.

The Cat in the Hat: Antony Blinken famously does not get along with the Cat in the Hat, so his selection is unlikely.

Exxon Tiger: Big Oil would love this pick, but a cat with such strong industry ties might not be able to sustain a challenge from the left. Exxon Tiger would additionally further muddle our understanding of the Biden administration’s attitude towards fracking. Also being considered for EPA chief.

Bastet, the Ancient Egyptian Goddess of Protection and Fertility: It’s unlikely that Bastet would take this position, which would be a considerable step down.

Salem, from “Sabrina the Teenage Witch": Who is Salem’s constituency? Salem is nobody’s favorite and has been criticized as “a literal puppet,” lending credence to the theory that he is just being floated to soften opposition to Biden’s real picks.

Schrödinger’s Cat: This noted opponent of cruelty to animals in thought experiments would be a welcome addition to most any senior staff, though some members of the transition granted anonymity to discuss the matter candidly have said they would prefer all members to be “definitely alive.”

Downing Street Larry: This cat is British and thus probably not a real contender.

Garfield: Mike Pence’s favorite cat is the obvious choice if Biden wants to reach across the aisle with this role. But Garfield, known for his sloth and hatred of Mondays, might struggle during the grueling confirmation process, and the mysterious disappearance of his longtime associate Jon Arbuckle’s roommate Lyman would probably surface. Will Garfield be willing to get out of bed to put himself through this, or out of bed in general?

Cheshire Cat: Very likely he could be confirmed due to unwillingness to pronounce an unambiguous opinion on any subject. Wonderful smile.

Rum Tum Tugger: A curious cat, known for being on both sides of every issue. If he is in the White House, we can rest assured that he would prefer to be out. His appearance in “Cats” (2019) is sure to come up during hearings and lead to questions such as “Why?” and “How?” and “What?” that Rum Tum Tugger may not be prepared to answer.

Skimbleshanks, The Railway Cat (The Cat on the Railway Train): Another “Cats” alum, this cat is a leading contender, as he and Biden share a belief in the value of “trains.” Some project that the selection of Skimbleshanks could lead to a White House whose exclusive focus was lengthy expatiations on the wonders of trains as a mode of transport, interrupted at intervals by tap-dancing breaks. This would not be a bad thing, though.

Jólakötturinn the Yule Cat: Initially favored because it was named “Joe," but every subsequent revelation about this Icelandic cat of legend who roves the countryside slavering after the blood of people who are not wearing their Christmas finery has filled everyone with horror. This cat should not be selected, and it would be a grim warning sign of the direction of things under a Biden administration were it to receive the nod.

Olivia, Meredith, and Benjamin: Taylor Swift’s cats are unlikely to give up their current positions in the private sector, but it never hurts to ask.

For his part, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ky.) has said he is unwilling to confirm any of these cats but has provided a list of cats belonging to the Federalist Society he would be happy to see through the Senate.

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Leticia and her son crossed the Rio Grande seeking asylum from danger in Guatemala. Instead, they were torn apart by a policy designed to inflict trauma. (The Washington Post)

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