Joe Biden is "following the radical left agenda, take away your guns, destroy your Second Amendment, no religion, no anything, hurt the Bible, hurt God. He’s against God.”

— Donald Trump, during remarks Aug. 6 in Cleveland

Well, they were right. Joe Biden is the president and the first thing he did was hurt God, just as they told us he would. He went right up to God and smote God, and now God is crying and Nietzsche has had to clamber back out of Hell to provide comfort. (The thing between God and Nietzsche is very complicated.) Joe Biden knew from the get-go that hurting God was his priority, and that is exactly what he has gone and done. He settled into the West Wing and then he rolled up his sleeve and — pow!

All the unfinished business of creation that is usually in God’s hands has been delegated to a series of czars until God recovers, and it is already a big mess. There are a lot of newly constructed birds that just seem very Bad, and something is the matter with the quality of winter sunshine. The only czar who is at all competent is the one who was put in charge of locusts, and that whole situation is going to come home to roost soon. I cannot stress to you how many locusts there are going to be, and all because Joe Biden, immediately upon taking office, hurt God, just as we were warned he would.

Nobody is pleased by this development! Atheists are mad because Joe Biden, by hurting God, proved God’s existence; agnostics are frustrated because they considered this a huge spoiler; believers were mad for the obvious reason.

When we were warned about Joe Biden wanting to hurt God, we were also warned that Joe Biden would want to hurt the Bible, and he has certainly done that, too. Joe Biden has gone through the Bible and crossed out all the passages of which he disapproves, so now the only thing that is in there at all is the passage where the prophet Elisha tells some bears to maul 42 young boys for calling him an “old baldhead.” This has thrown churches across the country into confusion, and nobody likes this development.

President-elect Joe Biden, his family and high ranking members of Congress on attended Mass at the Cathedral of St. Matthew the Apostle in the District Jan. 20. (The Washington Post)

The War on Christmas (which had been won, we thought) has opened a new front just south of Thanksgiving and is raging once again. The Second Amendment vanished. But this was very minor compared with the whole hurting-God situation. Still, open your Constitution: Is it there?

Also, all large windows have been shrunk down into little windows, tiny windows. Now every room across America is very dark and people must squint to see one another and keep bumping into things. It is chaos, but on the upside it means that many people have not realized all that is happening with the Bible and the Constitution yet. But this was yet another thing we were warned about, and it has happened just like we were warned.

Also, people who did not even want them have been issued mandatory windmills, especially if they live in places where having a windmill does not make sense. Don Quixote is sobbing openly in the streets. All the birds across North America are huddled in terror as the mills whir their horrible whir, but first, we all got a special windmill cancer. This was the last thing the country needed, but it was a big priority of Joe Biden’s, and so it has happened.

People who lived in the suburbs tried to go home and discovered that their homes had entirely disappeared. The suburbs had been abolished. There was nothing there; the map simply ended. If you got off the interstate, you found yourself unable to travel; when you squinted in the direction of where your house had been, once, it was all covered in vines. And that was Joe Biden’s doing. They warned you he would come for the suburbs, and he came for them very thoroughly, right after he was finished hurting God.

It is all happening, just as they said, except the part where Joe Biden would enact a radical left agenda, but I am sure that will be next! It must be soon. Everything else has happened just as they promised!

Read more from Alexandra Petri: