Josh Lorenzo is a humor writer.

Deep into the winter season, with a weather system approaching, meteorologists will trot out their canned explanations for whether it will snow in D.C., Maryland and Virginia — together known as the DMV. You’ve been hearing these explanations for years. They involve any combination of the following phrases:

“Cold air has to be in place.”

“The storm track must be ideal.”

“La Nina” or “El Nino.”

“Rain/Snow line.”

“Climate change.”

These are all valid reasons, and I happen to believe the last one, but they don’t tell the entire story. Any fan of cold weather living in the DMV knows that if you truly want it to snow, three very odd and completely unscientific events must occur. Remember, if hope springs eternal, snow winters counterintuitively.

Just this week, we were promised inches of snow. And most of us woke up this morning to wet sidewalks and a few fluffy flakes in the air. So, for all the disappointed snow lovers, I now present to you the three very nonscientific ways to get snow in the DMV:

Don’t buy the snowblower on sale in April

Bob, a massive fan of snow who had grown cynical from five straight lackluster winters, was tempted to buy a snowblower at an end-of-winter sale at his local hardware store. You know, just in case next winter packs a wallop! Even Bob’s wife, Lucinda, encouraged him to buy it. “It will save your back if you ever did have to shovel, Bob,” said Lucinda.

Bob knows that fate will punish a snow lover. If Bob is selfless, willing to sacrifice his back to make snow dreams come true for others, he won’t buy that snowblower. Bob should know that it is far better to complain to his neighbor about back pain from shoveling snow than to complain about the money he wasted on a snowblower he will never use.

Moral of the story: Fate is a powerful tool. Also, don’t listen to Lucinda.

Fans of spring weather should not troll fans of winter weather on Twitter

Normally, fans of fair weather take to social media to mock their snow-loving friends soon after the last real threat of winter weather passes harmlessly to our south. They are a brutal sort; talking trash when the game is over. They are unrelenting in their derision, and yet their brutal honesty unveils a hard truth: 0.3 inches of snowfall over a 90-day winter season is stupid and embarrassing.

Even though they are raining on our parade, warm-weather lovers are often correct. And, yet, a series of humiliating winters could have an unintended consequence: Even people who want it to feel like May year-round could feel bad for snow lovers and stop laughing at their expense. Obviously, their compassion toward snow lovers would open the metaphorical door for winter weather to rear its wintry head at its next opportunity, dropping a thick blanket of heavy, white snow right on top of the DMV.

Moral of the story: Keep your winter-weather friends close and your warm-weather enemies closer.

For at least 24 hours before a predicted snow event, keep your snow shovel where it belongs: In the shed

“At least a foot of snow is predicted to fall,” says the meteorologist on the local news. She can’t hide her enthusiasm, and your neighbors’ first inclination is to run to their sheds, dust off the old shovel that’s been sitting idly by for what seems like a decade and proudly move it to their front stoops. It’s a trap; a social experiment run by Mother Nature. But don’t fall for it. Keep your shovels inside the shed.

“Take that,” says an entire neighborhood, collectively, to no one in particular. Mother Nature, aghast at the uprising, would punish everyone with copious amounts of snow. It’s reverse psychology at its finest.

Moral of the story: ‘Tis better to walk knee deep in snow to retrieve your shovel than to not walk knee deep in anything to retrieve nothing.

There you have it, friends. If you really want it to snow, hope that Bob didn’t listen to Lucinda, embrace your warm-weather friends despite their callousness and convince your entire neighborhood to keep their darn shovels in their sheds no matter what.

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