“So it’s official. The Bidens’ affection is totally real. It’s in no way part of a slick PR campaign devised by cynical consultants determined to hide the president’s senility by misdirection. Not at all! Their love is as real as climate change.” — Fox News host Tucker Carlson

Log of Suspicious Behaviors Observed in Public and Private

Spotted: boy on the playground waiting for mother. Very suspicious! Mother brought him a sandwich and afterward hugged him. Who is gaining by this? Cannot possibly be sincere. Pleasant weather out.

Little girl fell and scraped knee; father appeared with Band-Aids and a hug. What are they playing at and for whom? Perhaps some sort of sponsored Band-Aid content? Will keep watching.

Saw two parents attending daughter’s dance recital. Cheered loudly and carried handmade sign, afterward brought her flowers. What motive can they possibly have? Daughter not even best dancer, nearly fell over, no solos. People do not simply do these things. Perhaps recital hall strategic location, or they expected a target in audience?

Old couple on bus holding hands. Inappropriate, felt forced, over-the-top. Their hands gripping one another tightly in what any less informed observer would deem a display of affection, warmth. Probably some sort of code or signal. But who on the bus was there to receive it?

Saw young couple kissing at bus stop, as if deliberately, just as I approached. Inappropriate. Obviously put on, a kind of taunt. Perhaps they are spies whose cover would otherwise have been blown.

Follow Alexandra Petri‘s opinionsFollow

Saw man hugging his grandmother. Running for office and needs the image for a reel of some kind?

At ballpark. Woman whispered something to her husband and then both of them laughed. Who are they fooling? No Kiss Cam in evidence. Must be some reason they are being forced to pretend to enjoy one another’s company. Package drop? Is she buying time for someone?

Co-worker displaying child’s crude drawing on her desk. Bears no resemblance to her, or her spouse, or their dog; unclear why drawing takes up so much prime desk real estate. Likely concealing illicit substances.

Another old couple holding hands. He must be feeble, unstable; she must be a nurse, no reason other than this to wish to place a hand at someone else’s disposal. Walked across sidewalk after them to test hypothesis — just as solid and unslippery as ever. Puzzling …

Saw a man having an enormous birthday party in a park and people bringing him gifts and he acted really excited to open all of them even though they were all things he could have purchased for himself just as easily. Smiled suspiciously wide and teared up opening a couple presents and everyone hugged him. Maybe they are filming a commercial? Don’t understand what other scenario could cause such genuine-seeming emotion among people?

Heard someone say “I love you” into pay phone before hanging up. Code of some kind? Picked up phone once she was gone and said “I love you” into it. No response.

Read more from Alexandra Petri: