One thing I know about myself is that I am Ted Cruz. “I like Ted Cruz more than most of my other colleagues like Ted Cruz. And I hate Ted Cruz,” is something one of my former colleagues said about me. People are always commenting things like that. John Boehner called me “Lucifer in the flesh.” Sen. Lindsey Graham said, “If you killed Ted Cruz on the floor of the Senate, and the trial was in the Senate, nobody would convict you.”
There is a long-running joke that I am the Zodiac Killer, which is not something there usually is about people who are universally liked. My college roommate wrote, “Ted Cruz is a nightmare of a human being. I have plenty of problems with his politics, but truthfully his personality is so awful that 99 percent of why I hate him is just his personality. If he agreed with me on every issue, I would hate him only 1 percent less.” Flowers wither at my approach; the sun shrouds itself in shadow; no matter what haircut I have, people agree that it is wrong. And I think this time, it really is wrong!
Seeing Texas in crisis, my reasoning was that the last thing anyone would want would be for me to show up. I assumed that the only thing that could make everyone’s experience worse would be the addition of Ted Cruz. “My power is out… I am breaking up my furniture to burn it… and Ted Cruz is here!” That third thing would be the thing that broke you, I think.
Never in my life has someone said, “What a relief! Ted Cruz is here! Now things are looking up!” My presence has the effect of extinguishing the last small bit of hope that people were unaware they still had. Considering this, I concluded that if you were already struggling, my arrival (which in the best of times drains all the joy and color from the world) would not help things along.
So I simply thought it would be best for all involved if I made certain I was somewhere else, where I would not bother the people of Texas by consuming any resources meant for them — people always hate hearing that resources have gone to my support. Cancun seemed pretty far away, and my family happened to be planning a trip there, so I thought I’d go along.
It has been a new experience for me to see people upset that I am NOT there rather than simply upset that I am there. Indeed, seeing people roundly denouncing me for going away from them during their time of trial has been… confusing and bittersweet. It really sounds like they wish I were there, but that can’t be it, can it? I know that can’t be it.
Obviously, if you are about to change the habit of a lifetime and be angry that I am absent instead of present, I am excited about it! I am coming back now! And I have an enormous collection of cans of soup! I promise I will never leave your side again.
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