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Opinion Fox News’s new cancellation version of the Bible

Paradise canceled. (iStock)

“If they start canceling these American presidents, they’re gonna come after Bible characters next. Mark my words, right?”

— host Bill Hemmer on Fox News

I fear that he is right. Here is a new edition of the Bible, updated to reflect all the cancellations!

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was “cancel.” And God stretched out His arm over the deep and said, “Let the darkness be canceled,” and there was light.


And Adam begat Seth and then Adam was canceled. And then Seth begat Enos, and Seth lived 130 years until he was canceled. And Enos lived 90 years and begat Cainan, and then lived after he begat Cainan another 850 years, and then Enos was canceled.


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“Noah,” said the Lord, “I am canceling the entire earth, and it is important for you to build a boat according to some specifics that I will say now.”

“Lord,” Noah said, “do not cancel the earth! That is where I live.”

“I will not cancel everything,” the Lord said. “You must bring with you your family and two of each animal, that the world might not be canceled forever.”

And Noah did as the Lord asked, and the world was canceled for 40 days and 40 nights until a rainbow appeared and reactivated its account. But the Lord promised that next time it would really be canceled, with fire.


“If you can find 10 righteous men in the city of Sodom, for the sake of those 10 I shall not cancel the city,” God said to Abraham.

But there were not 10 righteous men, and the city was canceled, with fire.


“Why did God bring us out of Egypt,” the people lamented unto Moses, “only to cancel us in the wilderness?”


And Ruth said to Naomi, “Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God. Where you die, I will die, and there I will be buried. May the Lord deal with me, be it ever so severely, if even cancellation separates you and me.”


“Go up, old baldhead! Go up!” some boys shouted to Elisha.

Elisha cried out, “You are all canceled!” And two bears sprang from the woods and further canceled the boys.


Two women came before King Solomon. Both were claiming to be the mother of the same baby.

“Let the baby be canceled!” King Solomon suggested.

“No!” one of the women screamed. “Do not cancel this baby! Give it to her rather than canceling it!”

King Solomon pointed to the first woman. “This one is his real mother. Give the baby to her.”


“Water is canceled," Jesus said. “It is all wine now.” And this was the first of His miracles.


“DON’T CANCEL BARABBAS! CANCEL JESUS INSTEAD!” the crowd shouted. When Pilate saw that he could prevail nothing, and that a riot was developing, he sent for a bowl of water and washed his hands of cancel culture.


But God so loved the world that he canceled, then uncanceled, His only Son, that whosoever believed in him should not be canceled, but remain an unproblematic fave forever.

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