A lot of people think that there was something fishy about the results of the most recent election. On the one hand, there is no evidence of fraud. On the other hand, courts rejected every challenge to the election results. On a third hand, though, we have this feeling. And I think we would be wrong to neglect it.

Simply put, there is nothing, nothing that we of the Grand Old Party care more about than protecting the integrity of elections. That is why we are trying to stop all efforts to broaden and safeguard access to the polls until we can get to the bottom of this. Just to be safe, you understand. For everyone’s good.

Think of it from a collector’s perspective: Votes used to be collectors’ items. They were once rare and correspondingly precious. Now, it seems like everyone can do it, and many people feel that the American Vote has lost its luster. Where is the value in that?

When we see H.R. 1 trying to make its devious way into law to further devalue these votes, we shudder. Any effort to expand or safeguard voter access would have the effect of ensuring that all kinds of people can cast unwanted, superfluous votes, practically flooding the market! When you have five or six really good votes that have been cast the right way, you do not need 81 million more, especially not if they are all going to be for Joe Biden.

Given the option of trying to appeal to more voters with policies they will like, or clamping down on voting everywhere it is practiced in an effort to squeeze people who disagree with you out of the political process, one of those things sounds like it will take a lot of effort! Maybe voters shouldn’t even be the ones who get to decide whom they cast their votes for. Maybe, instead, that should be the legislators of their respective states! Think of how few votes that would be! And what has more integrity than something rare?

We believe that voting is a rite. Yes, I meant to spell it that way. You must stand in line at a confusingly specified location for a long time, ideally unsustained by water or snacks of any sort. You must do it during a day when people are expected to be at work, and it must not be a holiday of any kind. And if you manage to make it through this process without being sent home suddenly on account of, say, wearing a particular T-shirt, or because a worker decided it would be fun to send you to another precinct, and then that precinct decided to send you right back — then people know you have really cast a quality vote. That’s what it is about. You know how any wine can be sparkling wine, but champagne has to be from a certain, specified, expensive-sounding region? That, but with votes.

And no, before you ask, propping up voting restrictions that disproportionately disadvantage people of color isn’t just us being racist for no reason! In this scenario, we are being racist out of self-interest!

We’ve got to do the right thing: Cut way down on voting and go as slowly as we can so we can be absolutely sure that every vote is perfect. That is what the Founders would have wanted. Remember how few people they thought should vote? Remember how few people they thought were people?

That means embracing the principle of One Person, One Vote. Not 156 million people, 156 million votes! We’re working so hard to get back to the principle of One Person, One Vote, that the least you can do is let us pick that person.

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