Dearest CDC,

What thrilling guidelines you make! And what a quarantine it has been! I have been living in splendid isolation for so long that I can barely remember the light of the sun, or the world beyond the walls of my dwelling! At least I have Zoom, for companionship. I am so used to my image on Zoom now that when I look in a mirror I am startled that what I see there is so different.

Sometimes I feel that I have been here for hundreds of years! Time has lost all its meaning to me. Day and night seem both alike, which can be, at times, frightening. But I have my books. I have my large pipe organ. And my castle is vast, and the night’s children make sweet, free music, which has sustained me. And now, with the vaccine on the horizon, I look forward in hope — which is not how I usually feel when I stare at the horizon, I must tell you!

Yes, CDC, I have been living in seclusion for some time, unable to go out and about and enjoy all the delicacies of taste that I would wish. So my questions for you are legion. First: Should I get the vaccine? The only doctor I know, Van Helsing, counseled strongly against my receiving the vaccine at all, but in the past he has tried to stab me through the heart with a sharpened wooden stake, and I fear he does not have my best interests in mind.

Once I am vaccinated, will I be able to venture out during daylight hours in human form? Or should I continue to venture out only as a bat? Should I be vaccinated separately as a bat, or once I am vaccinated in my non-bat form, am I set? If I want to become a cloud of bats, does each bat need a separate vaccination, or can I just be ready to go with the one dose (or two, if I get the Pfizer or Moderna rather than the Johnson & Johnson)? It would certainly be a pain to have to vaccinate each individual bat twice, but I also want to be a good citizen! Also, when vaccinated, are the bats all safe to pay visits to people individually, or must the bats visit as a group and continue to observe mask protocols?

Will the vaccine help protect me from sunlight? Will the vaccine help protect me from crosses? Are any of the vaccines made with garlic? Can I specify that I do not wish to receive those, or will that make me seem suspicious?

Will it be safe to crawl down walls like a lizard immediately once I have received my vaccine, or must I wait two weeks after the last dose? It is very impressive when I crawl down walls like a lizard! You should see it, CDC!

Are there vaccination appointments after the sun has set? I understand that the Javits Center in New York City is doing this, but it is somewhat out of the way and made entirely of glass, which makes me slightly nervous of any delay into morning!

I am in a high-risk age group, but I really don’t look it, I am assured (my mirror won’t help about this), but I don’t have any paperwork that would not frighten people who beheld it and cause them to panic unnecessarily, and I don’t want that to happen. Is it okay to wait and be vaccinated in a lower-risk age group? I feel fine, and I still have my original antibodies from the 1918 influenza, as well as from the bubonic plague, and I am not leaving the house at all. If for whatever reason I need to, I will be certain to wear a mask, accessorized with a cape!

As for school reopenings, once that process is complete, will I be forced to re-enroll in high school? I do not wish to be forced to return to high school, but a lot of us do it to pass the time.

When I am vaccinated, will my unvaccinated friends be able to invite me into their homes? Will my vaccinated friends? It is very important that they invite me into their homes.

Thank you very much, and I look forward to your reply. I am reachable via Zoom, or a messenger can bring me your missive on foot over the Carpathian Mountains.

P.S. Does the vaccine impart any flavor to the blood of the vaccinated? It is fine either way, just wondering!

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