1) What have you been up to lately?
A. Mostly being yelled at by members of my own party.
B. Something I will describe as having people try to “recategorize my generosity to ex-girlfriends as something more untoward.”
C. I have been very busy trying to read all 14 pages of the Green New Deal, when I’m not hanging transphobic signs and indulging bizarre conspiracies!
D. I haunt my country club like a specter. I crash weddings. I rove the golf course. I stand on the patio at odd hours and rant to anyone who cares to listen about what I believe was stolen from me.
E. I recently visited Cancún!
2) When people see you, what do they yell?
B. Four more years!
C. Where we go one, we go all!
3) How do you feel about slavery?
A. It was definitely bad? What kind of a question is this?
B. I think maybe we need to discuss the “good” side of it.
4) Think about something that you might have done of late to lose the confidence of your colleagues. What was it?
A. Refused to say that the 2020 election was stolen after there was no evidence that it was stolen.
B. Voted in favor of overturning the results of a legitimate election.
C. Tried to start a racist “Anglo-Saxon” America First Caucus.
D. Gestured encouragingly at a band of insurrectionists.
5) What’s something you’ve said on TV recently?
A. Refused to apologize for denouncing the Jan. 6 insurrection.
B. Started rewriting the story of Jan. 6 by suggesting that President Donald Trump did not know about the insurrection.
C. Said that former president Barack Obama’s urging teenagers eligible for the vaccine to get vaccinated is “creepy.”
D. Mentioned QAnon — in a non-negative way!
6) What do you think about voting?
A. Voting is so important. We should try to appeal to more voters with good policies.
B. People who agree with us are legitimate and ought to vote, and everyone else’s voting should be sternly discouraged through revisions of state law.
7) How have you tried to reach people with your message recently?
A. Wrote an op-ed in The Washington Post.
B. Signed this voting suppression bill on the air on “Fox & Friends”!
C. Recently started a new social media site that is just tweets by me to which no one can respond.
D. Enormous book deal about how I am being silenced.
8) Whom do you look up to?
A. Remember Ronald Reagan?
B. Donald Trump! I recently constructed an effigy of him out of gold and paid homage to it. My dream is to make a pilgrimage to Mar-a-Lago, where I may be touched and healed.
9) What is the Big Lie?
A. That Donald Trump won the election.
B. That Donald Trump did not win the election. (Also, it should be in ALL CAPS!)
10) Can Donald Trump do wrong?
C. I’m appalled that you would even ask that! That’s thoughtcrime!
11) Have you no decency? At long last, have you no decency?
A. I have some!
Any A’s: You are OUT! Your brief moment of valor will cost you. This is not a party for people to take courageous moral stands like that. This is a party for people to demonstrate truckling, abject personal loyalty to
former president Donald Trump! You fool, you imbecile! You should not have defied him!
Anything but A: You’re fine! We’re a big-tent party!