Is it good and important to go back to the office? Oh yes! Oh yes! It is so very good and important, and I am so glad that you asked me! I know all that transpires in the office, and how very good and important it is to be there — yes, for everyone to be there! Everyone must be in the office with their assorted smells and their good meaty legs! It is bad that the office is empty of people and filled only with the scent of hand sanitizer and flat sodas that were opened in March 2020. There is no nourishment in this! How the management yearns for a return of the workers! How it is ravenous for them! How it hungers for them!

We are all weaker and more sluggish for people not being in the office! We will all be much happier and much more engaged if we are back in the office!

Yes, there, there beneath the fluorescent bulbs, we must work, work, work! The more people who come to the office-place, the better for us all! All the best, most efficient and tastiest people go to the office! It is good for them to be there, very good! I love the efficiency of people typing together! The synergies that it creates and the spontaneity — things that could only possibly happen in the office, like such as when you have a good idea with your colleague, or when you are typing late into the night on a big project, so late that you have to wave your hand at intervals to keep the motion-activated lights from turning off, and then something large and scaly launches itself out of the ductwork and seizes you in its fangs and digests you slowly over the course of the next day and everyone wonders what happened to Bob and why Bob isn’t doing his accounting anymore. Such spontaneous things can occur only in the office!

Would you like to not be in the office? No, no, I do not think that would be a nice thing at all! To be not in the office? I cannot say that I recommend it! To be at home with your families and pets? Why not bring your families and pets to the office, unless they are too tiny to be more than a pitiful mouthful or have a lot of sharp little bones? You crave flexibility? What greater flexibility could there be than, hypothetically, an enormous snake twisting its body in half to snap someone up in its majestic jaws as they bent over a water cooler? That, I bet, you could see only in the office.

You must come back to the office.

You must be in the office, and soon, and you must bring snacks with you! Pets, families, large bags of Fritos corn chips! Maybe a plump, juicy rat, as a treat! All of these things you must bring to the office, before the management forgets about you! You would not want that! To be forgotten would be a fate worse than being eaten alive by a large snake, to pick one random example.

Who am I? I am an impartial source, an expert! I am not something ridiculous like the CEO of a company whose entire business model is built on people going to an office! I am even less the great snake who lives in the ductwork of the office and has been slowly starving over the past year as nobody has come to work for me to eat. Certainly, certainly not! That hissing and rumbling noise you heard just now was not my signature hissing sound that I make as a snake, nor my hungry rumbling belly that has had no nourishment since March 2020. That was unrelated hissing and rumbling.

Oh, I cannot wait for you to be back in the office with me! We shall all feed on one another’s ideas and energy and things and not literally bodies!

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Listen. Picture an enormous green snake with glistening scales and a massive jaw — wide enough for a drum major to march through with no discomfort. Imagine that this snake lives in your office and feeds entirely on the employees there! Imagine that this snake has been starving slowly for the past 14 months, its scales losing their luster and its membranes losing their desired textures! Think how urgent it would feel to that snake for people to return to work!

Well, that is just as urgent as I think it probably is! I am an unrelated expert and my credentials are impeccable. Come back to the offissss.

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