The Washington PostDemocracy Dies in Darkness

Opinion I do not wish to learn anything more about my wealthy husband’s near demise (which would have been sad)

Arsenic in his martini! Who would dare? (iStock)

“President Trump urged Congressional Republicans late Tuesday to vote against legislation that would create a 9/11-style commission to investigate the deadly riot at the U.S. Capitol Jan. 6, calling it ‘more partisan unfairness’ by Democrats.”

The New York Post, May 18

Oh, detective. Must we look into the events of the past? Must we really? Must we dwell on the unpleasantness of a few months ago rather than moving forward? I for my own part would much prefer to move forward. Indeed, it strikes me as unavoidably morbid to ponder too closely what nearly befell my poor husband, Henry. I say “poor” only in the sense of unfortunate, of course — Henry is quite well off, and if I were ever to be his widow, I would also be quite well off. But fortunately Henry is still alive, and I am not his wealthy widow, and that is not a scenario we need to worry about or look into at all!

What reasons could anyone have for wanting Henry dead? I certainly cannot think of any. We have always been so happy together. I’ve always said so. Others say they heard me shouting, vowing that I would make him pay? They sound like they have morbid minds, detective. They sound like they’re dwelling. I hate to be morbid and I hate to dwell, and I don’t want any more information about the sad events of that night when the unfortunate incident almost robbed my husband of his life.

Really, was it as serious as you say? I scarcely noticed any disturbance. To me, it was an ordinary Tuesday. We sat in our chairs and we sipped our martinis, as usual. I made his just perfect! Why, it couldn’t have been a quieter evening, actually. I sat in my chair, he sat in his. He made a slight commotion, I suppose, when he clutched his throat and tumbled to the ground, but I barely remember it. And he is just fine now! Are you so sure someone was trying to kill him, detective? Perhaps he was just choking on an olive.

Isn’t my word good enough for you? Do you really need my phone records in addition to my word? What could they possibly tell you that I am not already saying to you now? Answering questions under oath? Under oath, detective? No, I think not.

The point is, it is of course very sad and deeply, deeply shocking to me that someone would have made an attempt on the life of poor dear wealthy Henry. And by pouring just a few drops of arsenic into his martini! Who would dare? I certainly think we’ve lingered on the subject for too long. It is bad for my nerves. I so want to get on with things and keep forging ahead in this marriage where I’m very happy, detective, couldn’t be happier.

No, that is my perfume, detective. Kindly put the bottle down. I keep it on the drinks tray to enjoy the smell of almonds.

Peace is what Henry and I need, now, more than anything. Peace and quiet. I absolutely oppose any more of this dreadful looking into things! I won’t have it, and Henry agrees with me, I am sure. It would divide us, and put strife into our marriage. That is the last thing we need, finger-pointing and blame and strife.

But you’ve been very kind. Very kind indeed! And I appreciate your desire to learn about why someone would have tried to kill my poor, rich husband. Why, it would have left me a widow, and I would have had only his many investments and my jewels to console me. I imagine they would not have consoled me very much. How could they have, with my poor dear Henry gone? Again, I say “poor” only to convey how very sorry I would feel if he were gone, not “poor” in the sense that his departure would leave me destitute. Quite, quite the contrary! The silver mine, for instance, would finally be in my grasp. Not that it is important to me to control the silver mine. I would be very happy to wait many years until Henry dies of natural causes in order to take the silver mine. I am sure that is what will eventually kill Henry, natural causes. As you know, he has always had a weak heart.

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Greg Sargent: A cop’s anger at GOP lies about Jan. 6 should put Republicans on the defensive

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