Lately I have noticed that Donald Trump (formerly the president of the United States) keeps talking about how he’s going to get “reinstated” by August once so-called ballot audits are complete. I don’t, however, recall anything on the subject of reinstatement from my civics education, so I consulted the most recent edition of the textbook I was taught. Inside was this primer:

Is reinstatement real?

Reinstatement is real only in the way that Slenderman is real — in the sense that if enough people believe in it, weird, bad things will start to happen.

What happens in a reinstatement?

Simple! The reinstated person goes from not being president because they lost an election to being president again! No one knows precisely by what mechanism this happens, but it has been said to involve Cyber Ninjas.

Where does reinstatement appear in the Constitution?

Reinstatement does not appear in most editions of the Constitution. It does, however, appear in a famous early version of the Constitution riddled with printer’s errors, popularly called the “Devil’s Constitution,” which, because of a series of bewildering misprints, vows to form a “less perfect union, disestablish justice, and destroy domestic tranquility,” advocates the violent storming of the legislature in the event of an electoral outcome with which a minority of the people is dissatisfied, and, confusingly, gives detailed mention to the filibuster more than two decades before it was invented. Reinstatement is often mentioned in this “Devil’s Constitution” as a preferred alternative to losing an election fair and square. The “Devil’s Constitution” is popular with collectors and former attorney general William P. Barr alike, as it includes no Article I whatsoever and Article II says the president may do whatever he wishes. The section on the electoral college, however, is entirely unaltered.

What is the Supreme Court’s role in reinstatement?

To sit there and allow it to happen.

What is Q’s role in reinstatement?

I wish you hadn’t asked about Q because now people who are googling Q will stumble across this guide and incorporate it into their framework for reality, and I will feel responsible!

What did the Founders have to say about reinstatement?

“Reinstatement? What the **** is this *******?” — Benjamin Franklin, attrib.

“Dear Sir, I reflect with some satisfaction upon the fact that, though tempest-toss’ed by folly and men’s schemes, our Experiment of Government did never fall victim to that idle fallacy of Reinstatement, which should have put Shays’ Rebellion to Shame as embarrassments were considered and made us the laughingstock of all abroad, in addition to chopping down the tree of democracy at the root.” — John Adams, in a letter to Thomas Jefferson

“I think reinstatement is good and we should do it.” — Aaron Burr

Is there a reinstatement line of succession, as with the presidency?

Yes. The reinstatement line of succession actually functions similarly to the line of succession in a form of government that’s even older than the American Constitution: monarchy! Reinstated to office first should be the president (king) and next his favorite heir or successor, and then the line proceeds in birth order should the designated heir or successor be indisposed or incarcerated. Tiffany, however, is last. For any additional questions on this, please refer to “King Lear.”

What are the eligibility requirements for reinstatement?

All you have to do is want it bad enough.

Which federal offices are eligible for reinstatement?

Mostly the presidency. The vice president is not eligible for reinstatement because we’re still mad at him. Former Republican senators Martha McSally (Ariz.) and David Perdue (Ga.) are eligible for reinstatement, but Kelly Loeffler (Ga.) isn’t; unclear why. An important predictor is whether Donald Trump thinks you have a memorable name.

How does our idea of reinstatement compare with that of other world governments?

Ours differs from that of other world governments in that we use the regional term “reinstatement” to refer to the process whereas other governments prefer to describe the same phenomenon as a “coup.”

Is reinstatement an enumerated or implied power?

Reinstatement is considered a barely implied power.

What is the electoral college’s role in reinstatement?

The electoral college’s role in reinstatement is to fill people with a general sense of despair and the feeling that their votes are, at best, decorative, which makes them sad and ineffectual and less resistant to reinstatement than if the electoral college did not exist.

Why is reinstatement only now appearing in this textbook whereas it has not appeared before?

*sighs heavily* Because things seem to be taking a turn. Did you not see Appendix II — “The Devil’s Constitution”?

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