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Opinion Toyota vies to become Official Car of Insurrectionists. Will Oath Keepers swear their brand loyalty?

The scene outside the Capitol on Jan. 6. (John Minchillo/AP)

Oh, what a feeling! (And it isn’t a good one.)

Approaching Tuesday’s six-month anniversary of the Jan. 6 insurrection, the liberal watchdog Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics in Washington tallied contributions corporate PACs have made to the 147 insurrectionists in Congress — those who voted to overturn the results of the 2020 election, even after the Trump mob’s deadly attack on the Capitol.

Most corporations stuck to their initial pledges and didn’t give money, at least directly, to those who stood for overthrowing democracy. But one has bankrolled the insurrectionists at a level far higher than the others: Toyota. The carmaker gave $55,000 to 37 of the insurrectionist lawmakers, CREW found — more than quadruple the runner-up, CIGNA (nine), and quintuple Koch Industries (seven).

A Toyota spokesman told me the company “supports candidates based on their position on issues that are important to the auto industry and the company.” Apparently, constitutional democracy isn’t one of those issues. This leaves me with one question: Would anybody like to buy my 2017 Toyota Sienna? I suspect I’m not the only one who won’t be buying a(nother) Toyota. Toyota likes to say its cars are “made in America” — while its actions are unmaking America.

If Toyota’s wishes to solidify its standing as the Official Car of Insurrectionists, I suggest a more comprehensive approach. Toyota should roll out a new line of vehicles, renamed and redesigned to reflect target customers. Those who attacked the Capitol on Jan. 6 should get special Three Percenter financing.

Read a letter in response to this piece: Buyers beware — and be wary of corporate campaign contributions

The 2022 Toyota Previous (formerly Prius). Don’t recognize Joe Biden as the legitimate president? Then transport yourself back to a time when America LED THE WORLD in covid-19 deaths and HAD THE GREATEST job losses since Herbert Hoover. Toyota’s hybrid technology will excite those who want it all: more MPGs (miles per gallon) and more MTGs (Marjorie Taylor Greenes).

The 2022 Toyota Paranoia (formerly Sequoia). Vaccines turning you magnetic? Government confiscating your guns? Mask mandates feeling like the Holocaust? Car and Driver says the Paranoia has best-in-class handling of conspiracy theories and an Adaptive Variable Suspension that allows you to roll over the most stubborn facts in quiet comfort.

The 2022 Toyota Rotunda (formerly Tundra). The Capitol Police will scatter when you drive this bad boy over the barriers and up the West Lawn, smashing right into the Capitol Dome. Its flatbed can carry 1,730 pounds of tear gas, flagpoles, gas masks, fire extinguishers and nooses to use against uncooperative police and lawmakers.

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The 2022 Toyota GunRunner (formerly 4Runner). Busted for bringing 11 molotov cocktails, a rifle, shotgun, three pistols, a crossbow, several machetes, a stun gun and smoke devices to the Capitol? Then test-drive the all-new GunRunner. Its many compartments hold all your ammunition — and your pipe bombs, too!

The 2022 Toyota RAV4chan (formerly RAV4). Blocked on Twitter? Banned from Facebook? The RAV4chan gives everybody a way to Gab. Optional 8chan transmission will Telegram your views to even more like-minded drivers.

The 2022 Toyota Homelander (formerly Highlander). White nationalists will love this crossover, which goes from zero to insurrection in just five seconds and is equipped with the Supreme Court’s latest voter suppression technology, giving you an effortless ride to victory.

The 2022 Toyota Supremacist (formerly Supra). Eight standard air bags in this sports car will protect your Anglo-Saxon traditions. Oath Keepers swear by this car, and 9 in 10 Proud Boys boast that the Supremacist puts America First. Imported from China. Available only in White.

My space is limited, but Toyota’s offerings are not. The 2022 Toyota One-Six (formerly the Eight-Six) NTV trimline turns even the most violent attack on democracy into a Normal Tourist Visit. The 2022 Toyota Bad Loser (formerly Land Cruiser) has standard leather seats for eight insurrectionists and 18-inch forged-aluminum alloy wheels to run over even the most determined racial-justice demonstrators. The Toyota Shamry (formerly Camry) ends election fraud with a state-of-the-art theft deterrent system guaranteed to Stop the Steal.

Lexus, Toyota’s luxury brand, will add a new line to its IS, ES and LS sedans to appeal to those who get their news from Fox News: The Lexus BS. Toyota will also revive the discontinued Scion iQ subcompact, to be marketed as the Toyota Q, with truly unbelievable performance. To Make America Great Again, Toyota will import its Toyota Succeed van from the Japanese market, rebranded as the Toyota Secede.

Toyota, hoping to appeal to those insurrectionists who have beaten or sprayed chemicals on police, is experimenting with a redesigned Tacoma (the Toyota Hematoma) and a new Yaris (the Toyota Teargas). Those awaiting trial for their Jan. 6 activities will find refuge in the new Mirai (the Toyota Alibi). And the 37 members of the Insurrectionist Caucus who have received campaign cash from Toyota will have exclusive use of a tricked-out line of the Corolla: the Toyota Payola.

Toyota’s Cyber Ninjas are currently auditing road-test results.