The Washington PostDemocracy Dies in Darkness

Opinion What the programming list for Fox’s new weather channel will look like

America is doing much better than other stations would have you believe! (iStock)

Wow! Little did I know that Rupert Murdoch hung on my every word and that Fox was in the process of starting a weather channel where people will get the best, most correct weather news out there — fair and balanced in a way no weather news has been yet!

I got an advance glimpse of the programming list, and it’s going to be a thrilling, action-packed 24-hour cycle:

2—4 a.m.: Dangerous Hurricane Now Making Its Way from Foreign Waters to Your Home Because Joe Biden Isn’t Strong Enough

4—6 a.m.: Cloud Caravan Shaped Like All Your Worst Nightmares Is Almost to Your Neighborhood

6—8 a.m.: Worst Weather Moments of the Obama Administration

8—9:30 a.m.: Tucker Carlson Asks Whether Anyone (Dr. Fauci?) Can Explain Why Clouds Look So Much Like Sheep If We Aren’t Being Programmed to Obey

9:30—11 a.m.: Static Shots of Trump Golf Courses Where the Weather Is Very Nice

11 a.m. — noon: Sinkhole Given Free Hour to Defend Itself

Follow Alexandra Petri's opinionsFollow

Noon — 1 p.m.: Paid Programming — MyPillow Also Serves as a Personal Flotation Device Not That You’ll Ever Need It

1—2 p.m.: It’s Not Raining Anywhere We Have Sent Correspondents! America Is Doing Much Better Than Other Stations Would Have You Believe!

2—3 p.m.: You Shouldn’t Feel Bad About These Wildfires

3—4 p.m.: We Just Broke a 100-Year Heat Record in Five States, But They Wouldn’t Call It “Permafrost” If It Were Not Permanent Frost

4—5 p.m.: Sixteen Hurricanes the Mainstream Media Is Trying to Keep From You and Refuses to Name Yet

5—5:30 p.m.: Rainbows: Fine in The Privacy of Their Own Homes But I Don’t Need One Over My Workplace

5:30—6 p.m.: Paid Programming — These Sunglasses Are Stronger Than the Sun Itself! They Have the Properties of Copper!

6—7 p.m.: Things Used to Be Better When I Was Younger, But the Weather Wasn’t One of Them, The Weather Has Always Been Like This and It’s Fine

7—8 p.m.: Lightning: Why Is God Upset? Our Panel Weighs In.

*Primetime lineup*

8—9 p.m.: It’s Raining! Counterpoint: No, It’s Not!

9—10 p.m.: I Personally Have Never Experienced a Derecho and Don’t Think They’re a Problem

10—11 p.m.: Could the Flood Be Because of Something Your Child’s Public School Teacher Is Doing Wrong?

11 p.m. — midnight: Greg Laughs About the Weather

Midnight — 2 a.m.: Two Hours of People Saying “Merry Christmas” in July

Read more:

Alexandra Petri: There’s no way temperatures are this high. It’s time for an audit.

Charlie Warzel: It’s not the heat. It’s the existential dread.

Erik Wemple: NSA hits back at Tucker Carlson’s surveillance allegations

The Post’s View: Scalding temperatures give a taste of the suffering global warming brings

Submit a question for Petri’s July 13 live chat

Loading...