I found the following engraved in ancient Sumerian on a tablet recently seized from Hobby Lobby by the Justice Department. A translation follows!
This was the Hobby Lobby, the gathering place of many crafts
And briefly high-end cookwares but only briefly
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Where men might come from many leagues distance and say in wonder, “This is a Hobby Lobby!”
And obtain many cubits of fabric for crafts projects ordained by Ea or by Ishtar
Where the CEO’s heart was hardened against the health-care needs of its employees
He sat in his place of honor and uttered a curse
“No contraception shall you receive, employees of Hobby Lobby
And may you . . .
The scorpion-beings . . .
Neither through the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act
Nor through the will of Ea shall you obtain any contraception”
And the Supreme Court ruled in accordance with the wishes of the CEO
And furthermore, the CEO did utter a command that Hobby Lobby throw open its doors during the pandemic
And among the employees of Hobby Lobby some tore their nametag badges in grief
And they uttered a curse against the CEO of Hobby Lobby
“May the vultures seize upon you, CEO of Hobby Lobby!
May they pulverize you and render you into dust!
And as for your Museum of the Bible
May owls nest in its shoddy brickwork
May the cuneiform tablets and approximately three thousand ancient clay bullae you procure be obtained under false pretenses
And may they be defective as a glitter container whose lid is not adequately secured which pours forth its glitter upon all below
As an automatic door that lets in the winter blast and sets off the automatic bell repeatedly to the annoyance of all
May they be more useless to you than a glue stick that is dry
Or a sewing machine whose bobbin is repeatedly stuck
May our words rise to the ears of the gods in punishment for your wrong-doing, David Green CEO of Hobby Lobby!”
And their words rose to the heavens and [the next 60 lines are missing]
And the Museum of the Bible was constructed numerous cubits high and several cubits in width
And many goodly artifacts were gathered by the people to be placed within its high doors
Strong doors wrought of glass the color of clear crafting glue
But they had not done what is seemly to do in the obtaining of the artifacts
And things began to disorder themselves
First, the Bible that said with false tongue that it had been to the moon
Then, the Dead Sea Scrolls that weren’t
And all began to fall apart into a big mess
Like a shoe to which a pompom has been ambitiously but inadequately secured with hot glue
And it was revealed unto the Federal Prosecutors that there were 5,500 artifacts that needed to be returned
And they did pay a fine of many talents of gold
And in July of 2021 a dream came to the Department of Justice of a tablet of stone
A cuneiform tablet, that bore upon it the Dream of Gilgamesh
And in the dream a great bull came from heaven and snorted with its nostrils at the tablet
And the DOJ sat up in great alarm and said, "do I wake or do I sleep?
What is this dream that has come to me?"
But the Eastern District of New York interpreted the dream
And said, this dream signifies that, once again, Hobby Lobby has been At It
Hobby Lobby has yet again obtained an artifact by false and guileful means
An artifact that belongs to Iraq and ought to travel over the wind-lapped sea back whence it came
And so the DOJ set out from within the walls of their dwelling-places
And descended upon Hobby Lobby
And seized the tablet in their hands as the eagle seizes the rabbit in its clutches
Or the early-bird shopper seizes the highlighters during a back-to-school deal
And they bore the tablet among them in triumph
And a great shout went up:
The curse is fulfilled! Mark the words of the Hobby Lobby employees!
No tablets shall the Museum of the Bible obtain through legitimate means, and their enterprise shall not prosper!
May this exploit be remembered, and many other deeds besides!
Look upon Hobby Lobby, the shining letters, the cement structure!
Lay hands upon the corner-stone, laid in 1972!
Surely this is a place where craft supplies are sold!
No man can say anything but, “This is a Hobby Lobby!”