Many of the women of London have complained about my stabbing behavior, or would have, if they were still alive to do so. But I have put together a series of daguerreotype slides that shows me stabbing people in other settings, just to demonstrate how utterly blameless I am in all of this. In the sense that — I have always stabbed people. I’m a stabby guy. It’s what I do, and it’s not personal.
To me, stabbing is a mark of respect. Stabbing is a behavior I learned from my mother and father, who would often greet people by stabbing them with a blade or blades they had concealed on their persons. Just a polite, small stab, as someone testing the thickness of a pig’s hide! To me, this is as much about family, about heritage, as it is about anything else, and it’s something I won’t compromise on. I’m not ashamed of who I am: a stabber who comes from a long line of stabbers.
Anyway, here are a bunch of pictures of me stabbing people, just to emphasize that I think it’s fine. That’s what we’re trying to litigate here, right? Whether I think my behavior is fine? Not how comfortable anyone else is when I do it, or the effect that I have had on others? Well, I think my behavior is fine, and I stab often, as you can see in all these still images of me gutting people with whom I am barely acquainted. I hope this answers your questions.
When I am stabbing, I don’t see gender. I don’t see race. In fact, I am often stabbing in the dark of night and I don’t see much of anything at all. I just flail around with my knife, terrorizing the streets of London and making women fear for their lives.
We need to stop talking about all the stabbing I am doing as though it’s bad (it’s not — it’s a family thing, as I’ve covered) and start talking about all the good things I’m doing: being really good at staying anonymous and taking over the computer of the starship Enterprise with my ghost.
Can I just say, I don’t understand where all this hostility is coming from? Brutus, widely regarded as a hero, loved to stab people; Caesar was stabbed by all his friends, and he knew it didn’t mean they didn’t respect him.
Indeed, I don’t feel at home in a room unless I’ve stabbed two or three people, ideally more. I have seen the complaints: “Stabbing may make you feel comfortable, Jack, but it doesn’t make anyone else in the room feel comfortable! They are in pain and need to seek medical attention!” To that I say, “Hmm.” Imagine feeling that way about stabbing and not immediately understanding what I meant by it! I honestly feel sorry for people like that. Not sorry because they have been stabbed, are bleeding and require medical attention, but sorry because their minds are so small.
I like to think that if anyone stabbed me, I would see it as the sign of respect that it is — but what am I saying?! Nobody would do that to me.