“I do it with everyone. Black and white, young and old, straight and LGBTQ, powerful people, friends, strangers, people who I meet on the street.” — New York Gov. Andrew M. Cuomo (D) introducing a montage of him kissing and grabbing people by the face in an unwanted manner, somehow thinking this was an appropriate response to allegations that he created a “hostile work environment” that was “rife with fear and intimidation.“

Many of the women of London have complained about my stabbing behavior, or would have, if they were still alive to do so. But I have put together a series of daguerreotype slides that shows me stabbing people in other settings, just to demonstrate how utterly blameless I am in all of this. In the sense that — I have always stabbed people. I’m a stabby guy. It’s what I do, and it’s not personal.

To me, stabbing is a mark of respect. Stabbing is a behavior I learned from my mother and father, who would often greet people by stabbing them with a blade or blades they had concealed on their persons. Just a polite, small stab, as someone testing the thickness of a pig’s hide! To me, this is as much about family, about heritage, as it is about anything else, and it’s something I won’t compromise on. I’m not ashamed of who I am: a stabber who comes from a long line of stabbers.

Anyway, here are a bunch of pictures of me stabbing people, just to emphasize that I think it’s fine. That’s what we’re trying to litigate here, right? Whether I think my behavior is fine? Not how comfortable anyone else is when I do it, or the effect that I have had on others? Well, I think my behavior is fine, and I stab often, as you can see in all these still images of me gutting people with whom I am barely acquainted. I hope this answers your questions.

When I am stabbing, I don’t see gender. I don’t see race. In fact, I am often stabbing in the dark of night and I don’t see much of anything at all. I just flail around with my knife, terrorizing the streets of London and making women fear for their lives.

We need to stop talking about all the stabbing I am doing as though it’s bad (it’s not — it’s a family thing, as I’ve covered) and start talking about all the good things I’m doing: being really good at staying anonymous and taking over the computer of the starship Enterprise with my ghost.

Can I just say, I don’t understand where all this hostility is coming from? Brutus, widely regarded as a hero, loved to stab people; Caesar was stabbed by all his friends, and he knew it didn’t mean they didn’t respect him.

Indeed, I don’t feel at home in a room unless I’ve stabbed two or three people, ideally more. I have seen the complaints: “Stabbing may make you feel comfortable, Jack, but it doesn’t make anyone else in the room feel comfortable! They are in pain and need to seek medical attention!” To that I say, “Hmm.” Imagine feeling that way about stabbing and not immediately understanding what I meant by it! I honestly feel sorry for people like that. Not sorry because they have been stabbed, are bleeding and require medical attention, but sorry because their minds are so small.

I like to think that if anyone stabbed me, I would see it as the sign of respect that it is — but what am I saying?! Nobody would do that to me.