The Washington PostDemocracy Dies in Darkness

Opinion Sean Hannity cuts to commercial

This is not parody; this is just data modeling. (Frank Franklin II/AP)

Speaking of segues, Sean Hannity is at it again. If you manage to sleep at night because you say to yourself, Well, Hannity may say many things on his show that are alarming, but at least he doesn’t use unfolding tragedies to shill for nonsense pillows, I regret to inform you that those days are over.

Now, enjoy a sampling of how Sean Hannity responded to the Afghanistan withdrawal — and how he would have responded to a variety of other events over the years. This is not parody; this is just data modeling.

“There is a stampede, not only out of Afghanistan, but a stampede away from high prices, overpriced service from the big carriers like Verizon, AT&T, T-Mobile. The average family making the switch to PureTalk.” — Sean Hannity on his radio show, Aug. 16, 2021

“How would you like to be in Kabul today, as an American, and you can’t get to the airport? Where are you thinking your life is headed? If you’re one of those family members, I bet you’re not sleeping. … That’s where I go. I fall asleep faster, I stay asleep longer.” — Sean Hannity on his radio show, Aug. 17, 2021

The Hindenburg has exploded. But interest rates haven’t! That’s why this is the best time to refinance your home. Visit today.

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The Titanic went down much too easily. But you know what else goes down easily? Grey Goose vodka. You can even enjoy it on the rocks — more than can be said for the Titanic.

Pompeii is hidden in a cloud of ash; the air is choked with noisome dust, and it is doubtful anyone survived. That’s right: Mount Vesuvius has erupted! It’s moments like these that I’m extra grateful for my advanced Honeywell HEPA air filter. Pay in just three installments ending in $.99!

As millions of Londoners looked to the sky to see German planes dropping their payloads during the Blitz, there’s only one possible thing they could have been thinking: Wouldn’t it be great if dropping a few pounds were always that effortless? Luckily, Weight Watchers is here to make that happen! Use special listener code (An air raid siren plays.) for an extra 20 percent off.

Remember the Maine! And now, remember everything else, too, with these supplements inspired by fish oil. Keep your mind sharp and your brain whirring. Supplements not FDA-approved.

Sad news: The burning of the Library of Alexandria has resulted in the loss of an irreplaceable piece of the world’s heritage. Good news: 23andMe is here to help you connect with yours!

I am sorry to report that President Lincoln has been assassinated while attending a play at Ford’s Theatre … and he couldn’t have picked a better spot! From now through Aug. 5, “Our American Cousin” is playing at Ford’s Theatre! It’s a laugh riot — you want to miss this play like you want a hole in your head.

Alexander Hamilton was killed today in a duel with Aaron Burr. Hamilton wasn’t wearing his glasses. But if he’d gone to Warby Parker, he would have been! With its wide array of styles to flatter every face, Warby Parker was my first thought when I heard the Hamilton news.

Amelia Earhart has disappeared without a trace. I bet I know what she’s thinking: If only she had had these Air-Tag Wallet and Key Finder Tiles, we might still be able to locate her today!

The Lusitania has been attacked by a U-boat, which caused it to sink. (Sigh.) Sink. Sink. You can buy a sink at the Home Depot?

Conservative media has devolved into one big grift. Dividing the country and cheerleading acts of violence are no longer enough; it’s also important to these people to wring all the money from their audiences that they can, even if it means cashing in on the suffering of others. Don’t you ever wish we could just start over? Set the country on a path to healing, wipe it all away? Well, Mr. Clean’s Magic Eraser Original is worth a shot. Use promo code SEAN to get the discount you deserve.