Everything is an “aesthetic” now. People have latched onto these organizing visual principles during the pandemic for all sorts of reasons. There is, as Post style writer Maura Judkis reported, “cottagecore” — “performative cozy nesting, dried flowers, vintage aprons, a sense of optimism” — and the bright, maximalist “cluttercore.” Then there is “goblincore,” too (“escaping humanity to live in the woods”). Apparently, bunnycore, nostalgiacore, even Regencycore all exist.

Frankly, I am a little disappointed that “cluttercore” and “goblincore” are not much messier. I thought finally I had an aesthetic excuse! But no. In light of this disappointment, I have come up with some new aesthetics that conveniently also offer cover for my lifestyle.

  • Floorcore: Everything is on the floor, but that is on purpose for aesthetic reasons.
  • Drawercore: All cabinets and drawers are left open after things are retrieved from them, but it’s fine because it is a curated vibe.
  • Havishamcore: Some cake has been left out for a while; I am still wearing the same clothes as a year ago; spiders.
  • Rochestercore: Decor and furnishings are pretty standard fare, but everything that seemed like it could be a problem has been shoved into the attic.
  • Poecore: What is that Thumping from the floorboards? What is that yowling from the walls? What is that scratching noise from the wainscoting? No, do not call anyone; it’s an aesthetic!
  • Shirleyjacksoncore: House refuses to become clean, but it’s because it hates you.
  • Smaugcore: Cluttercore, but literally, and all the clutter is piled into a big heap so you can sit on it and marvel at it and protect it from burglars.
  • Thanoscore: Have eliminated half of items in house at random; was attempting Kondocore, but something went very wrong.
  • Borrowercore: Living quarters entirely furnished with items stolen from the larger family in whose home you reside; enormous teaspoon in the middle of the dining room is a statement piece.
  • Garfieldcore: Have been unable to respond to a single email for months because I overcommitted to Garfieldcore aesthetic (too busy hating Mondays, eating lasagna and lacking opposable thumbs).
  • Pollockcore: Started repainting the house normally but then got mad and just threw some paint around, but it’s fine because what resulted is Pollockcore.
  • Monetcore: House decorated in such a way that it looks much better from far off.
  • Botticellicore: Giving up on the indoors and getting dressed; going to dwell in a glade and have perfect hair.
  • Boschcore: House full of helmeted imps and butts of unclear provenance playing trumpets, what is going on in this house, I think that is a fire.
  • Menageriecore: House must be kept full of tiny glass animals to impress gentleman callers.
  • Kafkacore: Please no one come over on the off chance I might have transformed into a big bug.
  • Dickinsoncore: Please no one come over, just in general.
  • Thoreaucore: Please no one come over except for my mother, who will come and pick up my laundry, and I will feel superior about it.
  • Godotcore: Please someone come over who maybe will fix things because I can’t do anything until this happens.
  • Thermidorcore: All objects in the house that serve no revolutionary purpose have been purged; today we are saluting wheat!
  • Redwallcore: It is not a rodent problem, it is an aesthetic, and they are feasting.
  • Mordorcore: The age of Men is over, the time of the Orc has come! House full of purloined jewelry, no lighting whatsoever except rotating flame eye; one does not simply walk into house.
  • Planetcorecore: Everything is MAGMA!
  • Ignorecore: Totally fine, nothing to see here! Anything that seems wrong, messy or out of place here is deliberate and 100 percent because of a carefully selected aesthetic.