Generally, it is a bad sign for your messaging if a broad sampling of articles about you in recent months all say things such as “Huh?” and “What?” and “Please help me understand this person’s motivation — I am on a deadline and I am also the President” and “Can anyone explain this person’s behavior?” [“Who is Kyrsten Sinema? Friends and foes ponder an Arizona Senate enigma” (The Guardian), “What is Kyrsten Sinema’s deal?” (New York Magazine) and “What, Exactly, Does Kyrsten Sinema Want?” (Vanity Fair).]

Maybe we are just too bound by time and linear thinking, where one action follows the other and personality is supposed to be bound by logic and consistency. Maybe what we need is to experience time the way a more godlike mind does, through some kind of industrial accident that allows us to exist everywhere at once. It’s summer 2020, and you are working as an intern at a winery. It’s summer 2020, and you’re a senator. Both of these things are happening at the same time, and there is no contradiction in them. It’s summer 2021, and you are defending the filibuster. It’s fall 2021 and the infrastructure negotiations are progressing. It’s fall 2021 and you are grinding the omnibus bill to a halt. It’s fall 2021 and you’re in . . . Paris? It’s fall 2021 and you’re refusing to increase taxes on corporations and the wealthy. But you’re also still in Paris? It’s 2003, and you’re protesting against Joe Lieberman and calling him pathetic. It’s 2021, and Joe Lieberman is coming to your defense. It’s fall 2021 and your foot was injured in June, so you must return home. It’s fall 2021 and your foot is injured, so you must host a fundraising spa event. This would make sense to me if it weren’t for the tachyons clouding my vision, but I can’t, so I am just confused by it. This is what comes of encountering a true galaxy brain along your limited timeline.

It has been said that if you clear your mind of all questions and knowledge and everything you thought you knew about the political process; if you become as a leaf blown by the enormous leaf-blower of time; if you transport your consciousness to Mars and hover over its surface in a glass bubble; if you stop demanding that things make sense, that one act follow another through some logical connection, however slight; if you dwell in the desert (Arizona, preferably) for a year and vacation in the city (Paris, ideally) for a week; if you cover yourself in bright caparisons and live for a few moments on every side of all issues; if you read “My Immortal” three times, first with judgment, and then with understanding, and then with acceptance — if you oppose Joe Lieberman in the spring of your life and then become him at your life’s midsummer; if you cut up all the horoscopes for Cancer for the past two years and sprinkle them on the ground on top of a large pile of donor funds and vote accordingly; if you apprentice yourself in a vineyard for the summer while also working as a senator that same summer; if you visit Paris and see all that there is to see there; if you live as Marie Antoinette for a year; if you learn all the secrets of the secret spreadsheets; if you make friends for years and then destroy those friendships in weeks; if you go to a gathering of corporate donors who do not wish to pay additional taxes or give Americans better deals on prescription drug prices and hear all that is to be heard there; if you live as a corporation for a year and as a person for a year and as the Tumblr of someone who proudly self-identifies as a Gryffindor-Slytherin hybrid for a third year; if you learn how to play three-dimensional chess (isn’t that just chess?) and then chess in four, five, and six dimensions; if you go back to the vineyard and study more and really understand things as the grape sees them; if you read all the self-insert fanfiction that has ever been written and then drink enough wine (which, after your apprenticeship, you understand) to purge it from your memory; if you undergo the Joseph Campbell hero’s journey, being called to adventure and refusing the call and meeting an old mentor and crossing the threshold and bringing back a boon to your community, and then the Dark Knight hero’s journey, where you begin as the hero and live long enough to see yourself become the villain, and then the Joseph Technicolor Dreamcoat hero’s journey, where you get a brightly colored garment and substitute it for a personality; if you live as both a particle and a wave for a year; if you decide to let all your personality decisions be guided by a combination of dreams and prophecies and just possibly just maybe just slightly the input of some corporations who do not want to be taxed more . . .

It has been said that if you do all these things, then you will finally understand what has been motivating Sen. Kyrsten Sinema (?-Ariz.) Maybe? If not, I have no better suggestions.