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Opinion Melania Trump’s new NFT is the perfect holiday g(r)ift

She of the cobalt blue eyes. (Olivier Douliery/AFP/Getty Images)
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It can be so hard to find the perfect gift! But great news!

From the family that bought you An Organization That Will Give Some Undetermined Amount of Money to Children’s Cancer, But Mostly Won’t, and the malign, sentient random-word generator that produces all headlines now, comes: Melania Trump’s New NFT Platform!

Do you want to give to a charity, but not too much? Do you understand NFTs, but not too much? Well, rest easy: “Melania Trump is pleased to announce the Melania Trump non-fungible token (NFT) platform, which will release NFTs in regular intervals exclusively on MelaniaTrump.com.”

The first NFT will be called “Melania’s Vision,” apparently “a breathtaking watercolor art” (that is the correct unit, I think, for describing when someone paints something, just as the Mona Lisa is “a breathtaking oil art”) that “embodies Mrs. Trump’s cobalt blue eyes, providing the collector with an amulet to inspire.”

Alexandra Petri: Merry Christmas from our family (2 adults, 4 children and numerous unlicensed guns) to yours!

You know, initially I was a little worried there might be something not entirely aboveboard about Melania Trump’s new NFT venture, which also claims it will somehow provide children from foster care with computer science skills. (Are the NFT platform programmers children? I assume they aren’t, but also this is not not how you would word it if you were trying to discreetly inform the public that your programmers are children.) But now that I know they are selling amulets, I am utterly reassured!

Nothing says “this is not a scam” like “we sell amulets.” Anyway, this art will also include an audio recording from Mrs. Trump with a “message of hope,” which almost certainly will not turn out to be her reading a snippet of “Becoming.”

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Melania Trump is going to release more of these, including in “a one-of-a-kind auction of historical importance scheduled in January 2022” that will include “digital artwork, physical artwork, and a physical one-of-a-kind accessory,” which had better be another amulet or I’m going to riot.

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“A portion of the proceeds” (definitely doesn’t need to be more specific!) “will assist children aging out of the foster care system by way of economic empowerment and with expanded access to resources needed to excel in the fields of computer science and technology.” Once again, I do not think, from the way this is worded, that you can rule out that Melania Trump has hired a specific child as her computer programmer and this is how she is describing paying their salary and letting them use a computer to set up her website.

If I were hiring a child to make one-of-a-kind Christmas knitwear to benefit mostly myself, I would say something that sounded exactly like that: “A portion of the proceeds will assist young people making their first strides into the field of knitwear by way of economic empowerment and giving them access to yarn arts resources.” I just think this wording should be looked at.

My point is: This is great. My biggest worry at this time of year is that if I give money to charity, too much of it will go to charity. I don’t want that. I want mystery to surround all my donations. I want to have no clear idea how my money is being spent, or whom it is benefiting, besides the vague sense that it is passing through the hands of Trumps.

Because if there were one family in the world I would trust to take my money, claim they were using “a portion” of it for possibly charitable activity, and transform it into brass fixtures and grift, it would be this one. I’m just glad it’s in time for Christmas.

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