The Republican National Committee is now trying to get all the party’s nominees to pledge not to take part in debates run by the Commission on Presidential Debates. They seem to think that the debates as currently held have not been fair. Fairness is important! I can’t believe these perfectly reasonable GOP-requested conditions were rejected.

• Moderator may interrupt the Democratic candidate to interject with contradictory facts but must maintain respectful silence while the Republican speaks. Exceptions can be made for deep, low whistles of approval, silently mouthing, “That’s true,” “Yes sir,” or, if especially moved, those finger-snaps some people do instead of applause.

• While the Democratic candidate speaks, there should be some weird, windy, scratchy sound coming from their microphone at all times, making it difficult if not impossible to hear what they are saying. All attempts to fix the microphone should just make it worse. At one point the only thing audible while the Democrat speaks should be a clearly broadcast feed of people making dismissive remarks in the control room.

• The Democrat should be made to stand in a ditch a minimum of six inches deep and filled with cold, stagnant water. The Republican gets a stool, to be used at their discretion.

• Before each answer, the Democrat must insert a pebble into their mouth, like Demosthenes. The Republican doesn’t have to.

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• The Republican gets to see the questions in advance and can reject any of them that he dislikes.

• The Republican is given an assortment of snacks and a cup full of water. The Democrat is given an assortment of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos and a cup full of vodka.

• For at least one response, the Democrat will speak in front of a green screen on which something funny that they cannot see is being projected.

• One disruption is permitted for each candidate: The Republican can be interrupted by a retired or current serviceman who wants to thank him for being a personal hero and showing him what it meant to be a true American; the Democrat can be interrupted by a live raccoon emerging from beneath their podium. If this happens, the Republican must be issued protective gear.

• If the Democrat says a trigger word at any point, it will release a swarm of bees.

• Republican is allowed to review all answers after delivering them and edit in post-production to best effect. Democrat must debate live.

• The Republican is permitted to bring covid-19 to the debate.