The Washington PostDemocracy Dies in Darkness

Opinion If Trump has nuclear documents at home, I’m sure it’s for good reason

President Donald Trump waves as he boards Marine One on the South Lawn of the White House en route to his Mar-a-Lago Florida Resort on Jan. 20, 2021. (Alex Brandon/AP)

The FBI conducted its search of Mar-a-Lago at least in part to look for nuclear documents, The Post has reported. Sounds bad, especially if such documents are actually there! But that is only if you fail to consider the plethora of perfectly innocent ways former president Donald Trump could potentially have wound up with nuclear documents at his combination home-and-country-club! For instance:

The guy with the nuclear football insisted on loyally following Trump home, even though Trump repeatedly told him to “Go on, now. Git!” while blinking back tears.

Trump was tired and distracted at the end of a big day at work and suddenly remembered he needed to purchase a card for his son’s birthday. An aide rushed out to get one. When an aide next came in, Trump grabbed the paper that was put down before him and hastily signed it with birthday wishes, seized it and put it into his pocket. Well, just the other day, the Biden administration opened a very secure briefcase and found an unsigned birthday card, and they figured out pretty quickly what must have happened!

Trump was busy flushing a big pile of documents and did not notice that he had gotten some classified materials stuck to his shoe. Unfortunately, the material was too classified to even be described, so nobody could tell him it was there, and he dragged it to Florida without even realizing he was doing it.

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You know sometimes when you are browsing in a bookstore and you pick up a book off the shelf and you become so engrossed in it that when you walk out of the store without buying anything you are still holding it and have reached page 73, and you set off all the alarms and have to go rushing back in? That, but with the nuclear documents, and without the alarms or rushing back in.

Trump was out playing a round of golf. It was a beautiful spring day and the birds were singing and the grass looked especially verdant, and he was in the best golf form of his life. Unfortunately, there were none of those little cardstock score sheets available. Fortunately, he had some official documents with him, so he decided to keep score on those. When he got the first hole-in-one he was amazed, and when he got the second he was awestruck, and when he went around the entire course in 18 miraculous strokes, he simply could not bear to part with the piece of paper on which he had written down this accomplishment. Well, wouldn’t you know? That piece of paper happened to be a nuclear document!

Trump was told it was important that these documents stay safe in the right hands because otherwise they might compromise national security, so he has been holding them in his right hand or safe for the past two years.

Trump was holding the nuclear documents and also a Coke and an umbrella, and when somebody gave him one more thing to hold, he put it under his arm and forgot about it for two years.

Trump was walking out to Marine One when he noticed that a cat was stuck up a tree. The poor creature mewed and yowled so piteously that he could not help feeling sorry for it. He spent several hours trying to lure the cat down from the tree, first with appealing words and then with a can of tuna and then with a laser pointer, but nothing worked. The only thing that worked to get that cat down from that tree was to pull out all the nuclear documents and wave them at it, and when the cat did get down from the tree, it immediately sat down on the nuclear documents and wouldn’t get off, which everyone knows is an impossible situation if you want access to a document. Trump decided he would take the documents and cat with him and wait for a better time, but the cat has hissed at him every time he has tried to get the documents out from under it. This situation has continued for two years.

Trump was always misplacing the nuclear documents and finally decided to put them somewhere important where he would remember them — after which he was unable to find them for the next three years and he decided the simplest thing was to just say he had them and hope the FBI would be able to succeed in locating them where he had failed.

Or maybe it’s for another reason! But I can’t think of any of those!