Opinion Trump didn’t take the cookies. Nope. Never. Why ask?

(Washington Post illustration; Photos by Jabin Botsford, iStock)
(Washington Post illustration; Photos by Jabin Botsford, iStock)

You’re looking for cookies? There are no cookies here.

I don’t have any cookies. I don’t even like cookies. Won’t eat them. Never had one in my life.

Never even seen one. Not once. Ever.

I like steak and hamberders — I mean, hamburgers. For dessert, I have ice cream. Vanilla. Two scoops. Sometimes on pie. Definitely NOT cookies.

And if I had cookies, they would only be the Best Cookies. Big, beautiful, gorgeous, magnificent cookies. Cookies like no one has ever seen.

And totally, totally hot. Not cold, ugly cookies like yours.

The cookies you’re looking for, they look and taste like sh--. … I mean, I didn’t try them; someone else did. The cookies were terrible, people are saying. MANY people.

These cookies weren’t my type.

What? You’re saying you have photos of me with cookies? That’s a Complete Lie.

Your pictures are FAKE — just like you are. This is a Another Complete and Total Hoax.

First, you made up the Russia Hoax. Then the Ukraine Hoax, and then the Election Hoax. It was Russia, Russia, Russia. Now it’s Cookies, Cookies, Cookies.

ALL FAKE NEWS.

I am NOT Cookie Monster! YOU are Cookie Monster!!

Maybe I had a picture taken with a cookie once. I don’t remember it. But it was with a Super Cookie.

People were saying — big, strong men with tears in their eyes — “Sir, where do you find these amazing Super Cookies?”

Way better than your lousy cookies. You can’t even afford a real cookie.

Cookie jar? What cookie jar? I don’t have a cookie jar because I don’t have any cookies.

If there’s a cookie jar, you put it there to frame me.

There were no cookies in the jar anyway.

You put the cookies in the jar. People saw you. It was on Fox News.

In fact, you ate the cookies.

But they weren’t really cookies; they were crackers or something.

Some of the cookies you put in the jar, planted in my house and then took back from me are in fact my special, “privileged” cookies, and I herewith demand their IMMEDIATE return.

I gave the cookies back to you when you first asked for them.

If only you had nicely asked for the cookies back, I would have given them to you. Instead, you broke into my cookie jar, and you rummaged through my wife’s clothes.

It’s my cookie jar, so any cookies in the jar are mine. In fact, I had a Standing Order that any cookies in the jar automatically became mine when they went into the jar.

The jar, and the cookies in them, are PERFECT.

ALL cookies are mine, no matter where they are, because I had an Article II that put me in charge of EVERY cookie.

And there was this Black guy who was here before me. He had a funny, foreign-sounding name. He took THIRTY MILLION cookies home!! Why aren’t you going after him??

And that woman who worked for him EMAILED cookies to HERSELF all the time!! LOCK! HER! UP!

People throughout the Country are very angry with you for going after My Cookies. Very, very angry! Be careful what you wish for!

Now I know why people plead the Fifth Amendment. WITCH HUNT!!!

On the advice of counsel, I invoke my rights under the Fifth Amendment to the Constitution of the United States of America.

Same answer.

Same answer ….

(Repeat 400 times.)

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