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Opinion Donald Trump’s classified ad: LEGAL HELP WANTED!!!

Ideal candidate knows all the laws but isn’t TOO attached to them! (David Dee Delgado/Reuters)

“Former president Donald Trump and close aides have spent the eight days since the FBI searched his Florida home rushing to assemble a team of respected defense lawyers. But the answer they keep hearing is ‘no.’”

The Washington Post, Aug. 16


Must be: experienced lawyer!! Can say if things are legal or, if not, how to make them legal! Knows all the laws but isn’t TOO attached to them! If client has exciting new idea that might or might not be in keeping with law, lawyer should at least be OPEN to it and not come across all judgmental!

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Must be willing to think outside the box. Should at least be familiar-ish with the laws that are laws FOR NOW but might get repealed soon (Rand Paul is working on it as hard as he can, but he can only do so much).

In-Court Appearance: Looks like a lawyer! Ideally sort of Sam Waterston (young, mid-2000s is best!) but anyone from main “Law & Order” cast is okay. SVU may be okay, we can discuss!

Compensation: Doesn’t like money too much! Is motivated to do great work for reasons other than money or being paid promptly! Ideally not obsessed with financial compensation and can find other rewards in the work itself. We will pay you in LOTS and lots of exposure! Ideal position for someone who wants to be on the national stage and is not obsessed with billing hours.

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Enjoys seeing FLORIDA. Loves to be around BRASS. Hypothetically can look at a document and explain if it is supposed to be a SECRET or not.

Client: flawless, a god. Will NOT listen to advice! Will use own judgment regardless of what you suggest!!

Required Experience:

Nice to have: previous dealings with a federal criminal probe!

Other acceptable forms of experience: being on TV on a panel and yelling; being on TV on a panel and maintaining a judicious silence; being on FOX NEWS!!! (OAN acceptable but not preferred); being in real estate; appearing on TV in a commercial with at least a couple of cool sound effects like a gavel going SLAM or a cash register going CHA-CHING; appearing on a big billboard in a good location; having passed the bar; having passed *a* bar; owns several of those big leather-bound books with all the laws in them; has a desk blotter; has lots of fancy pens; has a business card that says LAWYER on it; has business card that on further inspection says LAVVYER on it; once met Mike Lindell; active member in good standing of r/legaladvice or has friend with an account who can ask questions for you.

Ideal candidate is open to having free ketchup shared with them sometimes at a very fast speed! Is open to being given free plates sometimes very fast! Is open to sharing steering wheel with a former government official! (Good reflexes required if not open to sharing.)

No-No’s (do not apply if any of these apply to you!!!): if you would describe yourself as a “real big stickler for upholding law” or “gets mad if client ignores legal advice” or “not at least a nine (if female)”; if you say stuff like “instead of repealing all the laws and inciting the public against the people whose job it is to enforce them, maybe you could simply try obeying the laws” (not necessary at this time); or if you’re Rudy Giuliani again.