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Opinion Kevin McCarthy’s (slightly revised) red-wave victory speech

House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy (R-Calif.) speaks during an election night party at the Westin Hotel in Washington, D.C., on Wednesday. (Jabin Botsford/The Washington Post)

Hello, enormous crowd of enthusiastic supporters medium-size (and I am being generous!) gaggle of staffers and others who are still here at 2 a.m. after the bar stopped serving! What a night it’s been! An enormous tsunami of red small trickle of red cascading dribbling over the map in an undeniable underwhelming manner! I am pumped! Kevin! The thrill of victory surges through my veins, and I feel more powerful than ever before! Just as I said would happen, just as Elon Musk himself wished, we have gained 60 House seats and are going to offer Americans the clear, inescapable Republican majority they have long been dreaming of! My wish is coming true! That’s my name: Kevin!

It is going to be so nice to have such an overwhelming majority that I will not have to worry what Marjorie Taylor Greene thinks every time I want to pass a bill — even though I have chivalrously brought the party to her! I can’t wait to set a bold agenda of impeachments and other thrilling charades! Also, maybe we will shut down the government over the debt ceiling! Things of that nature! a small majority, probably. This is exactly what I wanted!

What an unmistakable response to what our party has become! It turns out that what we’ve been saying, over and over again, is true: Women love to be forced to give birth, Americans hate to have their votes counted and are bored of living in a democracy, and joking about political violence is a good look! Plus, having no clear plan to address inflation other than vibes was also helpful! Today is Wednesday!

When people went to the ballot box and saw what we had to offer, a huge, huge majority, a lot of them, more than we were expecting, said “Terrific!” “Hmm!” It turns out that becoming the party of election denialism and conspiracy was a winning move something we did!

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When I rushed off to Mar-a-Lago after Jan. 6, 2021, that was a turning point, the good kind! America has offered a clear response to every choice we’ve made as a party leading up to this election! Letting Donald Trump pick many of our candidates for us with his unerring wisdom, candidates only from the best part of the barrel, individuals who often said with excitement that they did not believe in the political process and denied the results of the last election, has paid off and will keep paying off, in spades! (said in a cheerful tone) (said in a gloomy tone)

Congratulations to Mehmet Oz, Lauren Boebert, Yesli Vega, J.D. Vance, Tom Barrett, Don Bolduc and more! With such a throng guy, we will be able to sweep into the halls of Congress with an overwhelming presence! I am thinking the Squad, times 20! walk into the halls of Congress and people will say, “Hey, there’s J.D. Vance!" I can’t wait to see what everyone J.D. does now that they are he is in office! And Ron DeSantis did okay!

The party is moving in the right a direction! I look forward to being your next speaker of the House, definitely, without question, in the most overwhelming way! VICTORY IS SWEET! What a perfect night! What a great occasion! My dreams are all reality, and I feel like I’m flying! My name is Kevin! That is my name!

The 2022 Midterm Elections

Divided government: Republicans narrowly won back control of the House, while Democrats will keep control of the Senate, creating a split Congress.

What the results mean for 2024: A Republican Party red wave seems to be a ripple after Republicans fell short in the Senate and narrowly won control in the House. Donald Trump announced his 2024 presidential campaign on Tuesday, experts helped us game out what would happen if he wins again.

Key issue: Abortion rights advocates scored major victories in the first nationwide election since the Supreme Court overturned Roe v. Wade. Here’s how abortion access fared on the ballot in nine states.