The Washington PostDemocracy Dies in Darkness

Opinion Announcements from Donald Trump that would actually be a surprise

Former president Donald Trump announced his candidacy for president in 2024 on Tuesday night in Palm Beach, Fla. (Thomas Simonetti for The Washington Post)

Disgraced, twice-impeached ex-president Donald Trump announced on Tuesday that he is running for president again. Is this newsworthy? Perhaps. But here are some announcements that certainly would be.

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Donald Trump steps to the podium. Donald Trump says, “I have a stunning announcement to make: I spent part of my day imagining the internal world of another person.”

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Donald Trump steps to the podium. “I read a book,” he announces. “For pleasure.”

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Donald Trump steps to the podium. He smiles. “Today, I met an associate,” he said. “Someone savory with a lot of aboveboard business dealings. A top-feeder. Someone whom other people want to work with, because he is competent and not crooked. We had a nice lunch."

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Donald Trump steps to the podium and gives everyone a big thumbs-up. “Today,” he announces, “I changed a baby’s diaper!” He waits for the cheers to die down. “It was a mess, but I was a good sport about it!”

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Donald Trump steps to the podium. “Today, I compensated the copyright owner of a song that I played at my rally.”

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Donald Trump steps to the podium. He waits for the applause to die down. “Today, I loved and was loved in return,” he announces.

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Donald Trump steps up to the podium. “I just read up about the office of the presidency,” he announces, “and, wow, I was laboring under some big misapprehensions about exactly what its powers were and how it worked! King is different, it turns out! Whoops! I owe many people a huge apology!”

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Donald Trump steps up to the podium. He heaves a heavy sigh. “I have had enough attention,” he says. “I am done now.”

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Donald Trump steps up to the podium. He blows into the microphone to make sure it is working. “I saw all the billionaires who were taking the pledge to give their fortunes away,” he says, “and I wanted to take the pledge, too, but when we looked into my finances more closely it turned out that my only value was myself. So I am giving that away. I am going to spend the rest of my years in service to the community.”

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Donald Trump steps to the podium and begins to deflate. He deflates and deflates and his head vanishes and his skin begins to seep out of the legs of his suit like a big tarpaulin. From within the suit, a small, high-pitched squeaking emerges, totally unintelligible to human ears. Everyone freezes on the spot, struck silent.

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“I denounce racism and antisemitism,” Donald Trump says. “And not in a winking way. I would like to begin by apologizing to President Barack Obama and continue by apologizing to hundreds, thousands of others. But words are hollow. To undo the damage I have done will require work."

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Donald Trump steps up to the podium and smiles. “Did you see those James Webb Space Telescope pictures, folks?” he asks. “Just exquisite. All those billions and billions of stars. I said to myself, ‘Sir, look at those stars. Do you see the stars, sir?’ It wasn’t like the solar eclipse, just some little teeny tiny thing. These things are huge! Billions and billions of stars! And my heart was seized with wonder. Seized with wonder, folks! And I thought, we are all made up of star stuff. Isn’t that a nice thought? But then I thought: Some of the stuff of the stars gets to be part of that big nebula that looks like a crab, and some of it gets to be part of me. Just part of me, folks. Not part of the big sky-crab. And I thought, what am I doing with myself to compare to the sky-crab, and I had no reply. I am going to go rethink my life to be more like the crab.”

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Donald Trump steps up to the podium. “I keep making remarks about Joe Biden’s age,” he says, “but then I started counting back from the year that it is now to the year that it was when I was born, and I decided that if I took my age-related concerns seriously, I had better not run for office either.”

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“I have discovered something I can do that will benefit mankind,” Donald Trump says, “and I’m going to do that. I understand that atonement is a path. For me to expect people to give me credit for having changed would be too much to ask. I don’t want credit. I just want in some small way to undo what I have done. I realize that this is impossible but it will be the one work of my life. To make a beginning. That’s all I can do, make a beginning.”

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