The Washington PostDemocracy Dies in Darkness

Opinion Millions of Americans hoping next child will be born a bank

Photo of a piggy bank with a pacifier in its mouth
4 min

USA, USA — After the Federal Reserve and the Federal Deposit Insurance Corp. (FDIC) acted swiftly to guarantee the uninsured deposits at Silicon Valley Bank and Signature Bank, millions of would-be parents across the country wondered if there were some way to get this same level of government encouragement extended to their offspring.

“When you have a kid, you worry,” expectant father Gregory explained. “You want them to have the best life you can give them, and you hope that if something goes wrong, there will be a net to catch them. Obviously they should feel free to take risks! You don’t want to clip their wings. But it would be nice to know that someone is there looking out for them. Someone who will say, ‘Hey, you shouldn’t have taken those risks, but it’s okay. I’ve got you.’” He nodded soberly and stared off into the distance. “That’s why I want my son to be a bank.”

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“Just, I didn’t realize this was an option!” Janet observed. “I thought we had agreed it was sort of a dog-eat-dog, free-enterprise system out there, where you pay all the consequences of your actions and, at the end of the day, you’re on your own. You have debts? Tough. You are unwell? Shame. So when I saw that there was another way, I knew it was what I wanted for my child. I just want my baby to go through life like a financial institution. She can even be a small, regional bank. As long as she’s happy! And as long as the government will swoop in to help if things start to go south for her.”

“I am not angry that they rescued the banks! I just wish this same consideration were also extended to people!” noted Justine, another prospective parent. “Plus, if my daughter is a bank, she’ll get much more autonomy and ability to self-regulate than if she is a human woman in a lot of states.”

“If my human child suddenly runs out of money,” Arthur, a prospective father, observed, “what’s she going to do? Start a GoFundMe? How do you think that will go? No. I want her to be a bank.”

“What would you prefer?” one prospective mother asks. “Lots and lots of restrictions on what you can do, and very severe, possibly deadly consequences, or — very minimal restrictions and very minimal consequences? Me, I would prefer that second thing.”

Another father-to-be noted, “If my son is just a human boy and he suddenly finds himself owing a lot of money to a lot of people, Jerome Powell will not leap into action. Whereas banks that run out of money, they’re sometimes subjected to a little gentle restraint, but often even that is made to go away if they ask nicely.”

His wife, Martha, noted that sometimes banks were also coffee shops, and that would be a nice feature. Also, she added, banks do not have medical bills, something a human child would have to worry about. And banks were nicely tucked in buildings that otherwise could have housed local businesses, so housing would be no concern. “All the things that I have to worry about for my child,” she concluded, “like, what happens if the money runs out? What happens if you make a risky choice and people are going to be hurt? What happens if a bunch of people online get together and decide to mess with you? All of those would be solved if he were a bank.”

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“Also, I have a lot of ideas for how to do a Bank Reveal with balloons full of money that burst and rain down cash, as opposed to my current plan for a Human Baby Reveal, where the balloon just bursts and you watch it spin sadly to the ground and no one comes to help.”

The parents agreed that the final step, where the FDIC took over the bank and dismantled it, was not optimal. “But everything up to that point!” Kent exclaimed. “The swift response. The soothing words from the president of the United States himself. Everyone gathered around concerned about your health and its implications for all the people who count on you. I just want that for a human.”

“We’re deciding between bank and corporation,” expectant mothers Madison and Amy said. “Bank has a lot going for it, but corporations get to do a lot more things.”

“Yeah, a corporation would be fine too!” Amy said. “Think of the political speech she would have!”