“. . . schedules show multiple EPA security agents accompanied [EPA Administrator Scott] Pruitt on a family vacation to California that featured a day at Disneyland . . . ”
— Associated Press, April 7
EPA Security Command : All EPA security agents at all positions in Anaheim: This is your special agent in charge. We’ve got the mobile command center up and running here in Snow White’s Castle. It’s going to be a big day. Let’s hear your positions. Frontierland?
Agent 001: Big Thunder Mountain Railroad secure and Frontierland Shootin’ Exposition disarmed. Pirate’s Lair on Tom Sawyer Island pacified and ready for the administrator.
Command : Adventureland?
Agent 002: Enchanted Tiki Room and Tarzan’s Treehouse are clean, sir.
Command : New Orleans Square?
Agent 003: Pirates of the Caribbean has been swept.
Command : Tomorrowland?
Command : Tomorrowland! Come in, Tomorrowland!
Unknown : Sorry, sir. Agent 005 left Space Mountain to get Dramamine. But I’m in the Fastpass line.
Command : Move it! Fantasyland?
Agent 007: In position at Bibbidi Bobbidi Boutique, sir. Wearing glitter and taffeta for camouflage. I see Belle, Rapunzel and Cinderella from my position.
Command : Good! Main Street, USA?
Agent 008: Nothing suspicious, sir. But Agent 009 is wearing the Goofy ears and that is totally not fair because I look better in them.
Command : For the last time, 008, I want 009 in the Goofy ears! You wear the Jack Sparrow hat.
Okay. Agent 011 is changing out of her Pocahontas costume because Trump supporters keep heckling her. Agents 012, 013, 014 and 015 are in scuba gear securing the Finding Nemo Submarine Voyage. And the other five are responding to an earlier incident in which one of our agents thought a child was pointing a gun at him. Turned out to be a turkey leg.
Now, listen up: We’re under a lot of pressure since word got out that the administrator has a 20-person, $3 million security detail. It’s our job to show why he needs three times as many of us as his predecessor did. And I don’t have to remind you that the administrator does not need more bad press after the $50-a-night condo, the $43,000 phone booth and the first-class airfare.
Therefore, I am this morning changing his security code name from Low Rent to Honest Guy. Honest Guy flew in last night on the private jet of an air polluter, but reimbursed him for the entire $9.99 cost of the trip. He stayed at the mansion of a water polluter last night but paid the fair market rate of $3.76. We have him traveling first class on the Monorail and Disneyland Railroad today for security purposes, but when he’s on the ground, it’s our job to protect him from threats here in the Happiest Place on Earth.
Who has eyes on Honest Guy?
Agent 016: I do, sir. He’s finishing breakfast at Goofy’s Kitchen. Minnie and Mickey served pancakes. Both cleared background checks. Now Donald Duck is topping off his coffee.
Command : What?! There is no duck on the manifest! Get the duck out of there!
Agent 016: But sir, he’s got the bow tie and everything. Looks legit.
Command : Take out the Duck!
Agent 016: Very well, sir.
[Dishes crash, children scream.]
Donald Duck : Aw, phooey.
Command : Better get him out of there.
All positions: Honest Guy is on the move, heading for It’s a Small World. Fantasyland — let me know when you have eyes on.
Agent 007: Er, sir — we’ve got a slight situation here. Can you hold him in Pixie Hollow for a few minutes? Maybe take a picture with Peter Pan and Tinker Bell?
Command : What kind of a situation?
Agent 007: My people have identified a potential aerial threat in the Middle East section of It’s a Small World.
Command : What Ariel threat?! The Little Mermaid ride is on the other side of the park!
Agent 007: No, an aerial threat, sir. A young man is flying on a drone that looks, well, almost like a carpet. Has a woman with him. May be a hostage. Says his name is “Aladdin,” and we think he’s on the no-fly list.
Command : Abort! Abort! Divert the package to Royal Hall to meet the Disney Princesses.
Agent 017: But sir, the security situation is deteriorating along the Sleeping Beauty Castle Walkthrough, which is on his route. Cruella de Vil just showed up outside the King Arthur Carrousel.
Agent 018: And the Evil Queen is at Dumbo the Flying Elephant!
Agent 019: It’s an ambush! Captain Hook is closing in from Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride, and the Beast is coming out of the castle! Honest Guy is trapped!
Comman d : Mayday! Mayday! We need an extraction. Give him air cover and get a lobbyist’s helicopter in here now!
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