I am offended by . . .

The Washington Wizards, because the team’s name encourages the practice of witchcraft and sorcery.

The Milwaukee Brewers, for promoting alcoholism and associating sports with drunkenness.

The Green Bay Packers, for glamorizing the slaughter of animals.

The Duke Blue Devils, for evoking demonic worship.

The Miami Hurricanes, on behalf of all those who have had their lives torn apart by tropical storms.

The Dallas Cowboys, on two counts: insensitivity to gun violence and cruelty to animals.

The Minnesota Vikings, because Vikings were vicious bandits who raped, pillaged and killed many of my ancestors.

The Fighting Irish of Notre Dame, for suggesting that fisticuffs are an appropriate way to resolve conflict.

The New Orleans Saints, for insensitivity to Jews, atheists and many others. What happened to freedom of religion?

The Chicago Blackhawks, for celebrating Native American warriors who went to war against the United States of America.

The Arizona Diamondbacks, because the serpent is a biblical representation of evil and wickedness.

The Tampa Bay Buccaneers, for romanticizing seafaring violence.

The South Carolina Gamecocks, for propagating the illegal and cruel practice of pitting fowl against each other in fights to the death.

The San Diego Padres, for cultural insensitivity toward Hispanics.

The New York Yankees, because my ancestors fought in the Civil War on the side of the South.

The Nevada-Las Vegas Rebels, because my friend’s ancestors fought in the Civil War on the side of the North.

The Oakland Raiders, who encourage hostility and lawlessness in our young people.

The New York Giants, because giants frighten small children.

The Houston Texans, because they do not, in fact, represent Texans. Many of us support the Dallas Cowboys, despite our offense at the team’s name.

The Pittsburgh Pirates, because they exalt thievery and poor dental hygiene.

The Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets, due to insensitivity to Americans who are allergic to bees.

And all teams with the names Bears, Eagles, Lions, Wildcats, Tigers, Gators, Cougars, Hawks, Longhorns, Bucks and Bobcats. Has anyone asked them how they feel about being made to serve as mascots? I believe I must represent the exploitation of animals who have no voice.

Yes, folks. It’s just that ridiculous.