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Opinion | Alexandra Petri Live Discussion - The Washington Post

Humor columnist Alexandra Petri is online every Tuesday for a reader Q&amp;A where she’ll offer a lighter take on the news of the day. Submit your question or comment below. The live discussion will start on this page at 11 a.m. Eastern.

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Alexandra Petri is a Washington Post columnist offering a lighter take on the news and opinions of the day. She is the author of the new essay collection "Nothing Is Wrong And Here Is Why."

Alexandra Petri

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Opinions

The Washington Post Opinions section features opinion articles, op-eds, editorials by the Editorial Board, global opinions and letters to the editor on the issues of the day. Offerings include columns by Washington Post opinion writers, political cartoons by editorial cartoonists Ann Telnaes and Michael de Adder and podcasts by James Hohmann and Jonathan Capehart.

Need a dose of humor in your day? Chat with Alexandra Petri. 

Christmas crib made of matches in Bydgoszcz, Poland - 21 Dec 2021

Opinion | Joseph and Mary hesitant to bring child into world with so many problems - The Washington Post

Mary, who was self-employed, was betrothed unto Joseph, a carpenter. And lo, Mary and Joseph had both always assumed they would have kids one day, but they had not really had the discussion.

And lo, one afternoon in Nazareth, Joseph went unto Mary and said, “Mary, I know that I at least had always assumed we would have kids. It just seemed like one of those milestones. But I have been looking around at the world lately, and I am not certain. I think we had better actually have the discussion.”

And Mary nodded in agreement. And they did sit down in that place that is called Couch, and lo, they began to discuss.

“Yikes,” Joseph said, and Mary nodded. “The world right now just does not seem to me like a great place to be bringing a child into.”

“No,” Mary said. “Everything these days is bad, and when I look at the world, it fills me with absolute dread. Disease is everywhere. We belong to a persecuted religious minority, and it is not a good time to belong to a religious minority.”

“When is it a good time?” Joseph asked.

“No, I take your point,” Mary said unto him, “but now seems bad. Also, we — haven’t lived in a functioning republic for, like, a while.”

“For <i>decades </i>now,” Joseph said. “I guess Augustus is still elected, kind of, but it really does not feel like a system in which the people have their accustomed say … not that we would really have had a say anyway, you know, given our status and where we live.”

“No,” Mary said. “But in theory, it was still better to have a functioning representative system.”

“Earning a living is hard,” Mary said. “And women don’t have many rights, and that seems unlikely to change in the foreseeable future.”

“No,” Joseph said. “That’s true.”

“And also from a simple logistical perspective, we are supposed to travel in nine months, and the inn we have booked is not only not kid-friendly, but I would describe it as actively kid-hostile,” Mary added.

“Yes,” Joseph said unto her, making a rapid note unto himself, “that inn we have definitely booked and not forgotten to book.”

“The world is very bleak,” Mary went on, “generally inhospitable to refugees and the poor, and everybody is competing for resources that aren’t distributed well.”

“No,” Joseph said, “they aren’t. I don’t get any parental leave at all.”

“I was going to count on my cousin to help out, but she just conceived,” Mary said.

“Wow, Elizabeth!” Joseph said. “At her age!”

Mary rolled her eyes. “Technically, anything over 35 is considered a geriatric pregnancy,” she said. “It starts to be ridiculous. Also from what she’s been saying about how she plans to parent, she might end up with a kid who was somehow both really into bathing and not quite into bathing enough.”

“Should I be making a list?” Mary asked. “This is getting pretty bleak.”

“Life expectancy isn’t great,” Joseph went on, and lo, Mary did write that down as a bullet point. “There’s no guarantee that a child brought into this world right now would have a better life than we had, and that’s sad to think about.”

They looked at the list. “Do we have anything to put on the other side?”

“Figs,” Mary said. “Figs are great. And at night right after the sun sets, the sky is always a fascinating color, different every time. And people are all right.”

“And — everything so bleak like this — it just seems like a sad place to stop the story.” Mary fiddled with a thread on her garment. "Maybe we could raise someone who had hope, who could help fix things that are broken.”

“Sure,” Mary said. “Or something.”

“Besides,” Joseph said, “some things are constants.”

“The climate is still fine,” Mary agreed, “and that’s one thing we know is never going to change.”

“That’s true,” Joseph said. “How could that even happen?”

“Things are bad,” Joseph said. “But I think they used to be worse. They <i>must </i>have been worse before aqueducts.”

“And the only way they ever get fixed is if people don’t get discouraged and have hope and want to work together to make them better. That would be the point of bringing someone into the world. To help with that.”

Joseph nodded. “If we did that, that could be all right. That could be worth doing.”

They sat there and looked up at the sky. The sun had set, and the sky was royal purple, bleeding into blue, with stars starting to peer out.

“Actually,” Mary said, “on a related note, I’ve got some news.”

Joseph and Mary hesitant to bring child into world with so many problems

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Opinion Columns

Carpenter and fiancee hesitant to bring child into troubled world

Humor columnist Alexandra Petri is online every Tuesday for a reader Q&amp;A where she’ll offer a lighter take on the news of the day. Read a transcript of the conversation below.

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Bring on the Christmas puns! Chat with Alexandra Petri. 

Congress Readies Bill To Raise Debt Limit

Bloomberg

Opinion | Manchin’s Build Back Better opposition is challenged by the Ghost of Christmas Past - The Washington Post

The bill was <a href="https://www.washingtonpost.com/us-policy/2021/12/19/manchin-build-back-better-biden/" target=_blank>not dead</a>, to begin with. There is no doubt whatever about that. Certain legislators had loudly and repeatedly hesitated, but it was still being discussed and negotiated on the floor of Congress, with some even referring to it as their “signature legislative achievement.”

It was smaller, certainly, than it had been, but it was still most alive when Sen. Joe Manchin III came home to his boat, put on his nightcap and settled down to sleep in order that he might be well-rested when it came time to speak to Fox News.

At the office that day, Manchin had dealt with several importunate visitors, well-wishers who were hopeful for the future, if only the Build Back Better bill went through. “We’ve got to pass this bill if we want to have a chance of protecting the planet!” they urged.

Manchin huffed at them. “Are there no coal mines?” he asked, slamming the door.

Bob Cratchit came by to explain that he was really counting on the child tax credit to supply food for his family, especially Tiny Tim, and he asked for some paid sick leave as a Christmas gift.

Manchin sneered. “Are there no workhouses?”

Things looked dire for the bill. That was why it was no surprise when, that night beginning at the stroke of 1, three spirits appeared to try to change Manchin’s mind.

The first took him to the past, where he could see himself saying he would not vote for a larger bill because he was worried about inflation. This required very complicated budgeting that sunset elements of the bill in confusing ways — but the outcome was something he had said he could support!

“This isn’t very far past,” said Manchin. “Bah.”

“No, I agree! Just reminding you of what you yourself said earlier today!” the ghost said. “Let’s quickly stop by this moment when you said, ‘<a href="https://www.huffpost.com/entry/joe-manchin-child-tax-credit_n_61ba3c4de4b0456499dcdff6" target=_blank>I’ve always been for child tax credits</a>,’ too!”

Eugene Robinson: Joe Manchin isn’t the only obstacle to Build Back Better

The clock struck 2, and that spirit departed and was replaced by another. “I am the Ghost of Christmas Present,” the spirit said. “I thought we might see how families are spending their credits.”

The spirit whisked him from house to house, where family after family was relieved to be able to buy school supplies, clothes and food, and was nervous to see the benefit on the verge of expiring. Child poverty had been cut by 30 percent.

“I also have a survey,” the spirit said, sounding a little less hopeful, “conducted by the Census Bureau showing people overwhelmingly purchasing necessities, not drugs or alcohol or anything like that.”

Manchin shrugged. “Self-reported,” he murmured.

“Uh,” said the spirit. “Well, next I was planning to show you legions of people who were sick and grateful to have paid leave —”

“I want to see the ones who are using their paid leave to go on hunting trips,” Manchin said, “which is certainly a real phenomenon and not an oddly specific thing to assume that people widely do with paid leave.”

“Senator,” the ghost said, “I’m not saying that has <i>never </i>happened, but certainly all the people I am finding just want to use their sick leave to be sick.”

“Are you the Ghost of Christmas Future?” Manchin asked the spirit cloaked in smog.

The spirit did not say anything. It merely pointed. Manchin looked: The mercury was rising in his thermometer, and areas of the country faced increased severe weather. The coastlines were flooding.

Manchin took a long, contented inhale. “It looks like in this future we have not broken ourselves of our dependency on fossil fuels!” he said, but not in the way you would expect someone to say that sentence.

The spirit pointed frantically at the floodwaters devastating the lives of West Virginians. Manchin pretended not to see. The spirit pointed at a stone on which “Joe Manchin, Senator, West Virginia, 2010 ― 2024,” was engraved in thick letters.

“Ooh!” Manchin said. “I got to be senator a long time.” He smiled broadly, then started to wheeze. The air was quite poor. Then the clock struck again, and all was shrouded in darkness.

Henry Olsen: Who’s to blame for Build Back Better’s demise? Joe Biden.

The next morning he awoke and threw open the curtains. He had never had such a good night’s sleep. “Boy!” Manchin cried to a passing youth. “What day is it?”

Alexandra Petri

Washington, D.C.

Need a dose of humor in your day? Chat with Alexandra Petri.

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