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Opinion | Accurate descriptions of labor, according to notes I took on my phone while giving birth - The Washington Post

It is like having a metal pole inserted into your midsection.

Like having a harpoon pulled out of you via your back.

Like a back pain that you think, ‘Well, maybe there’s another position that will be comfortable,’ but then you realize that the pain is wherever you are.

Like someone is doing surgery on you without anesthesia mostly by pulling at your skin.

A bad pain, like the back snapping or a big rubber tire being torn in half.

Like a hammer, I think, or some sort of mechanical piece of equipment whose function is to pound or compress.

Sort of like a big oyster being pried open by claws under the sea.

Sort of like splitting an oak open with a small pointed implement.

Not a big fan of this contraction, this one at 10:02 a.m.

Like having your blubber pulled off (you are a whale), like, in big strips.

10:08 a.m.: Like being hole-punched and you’re the paper and the hole puncher is one of those big black metal ones that really exert some force.

Like you are having the stuffing ripped out of you.

Weakness and possibly also the soul leaving the body.

10:24 a.m.: Like being unrolled when your whole existence depends on being rolled, as with a cigarette or something like that.

Like being a french fry the moment the seagull picks it up in its beak.

Like when a rolled-up carpet is bent in half and whacked against something and you are the carpet.

Like slamming a door on your thumb but your whole body is the thumb.

Like one long tooth is extending to impale you.

Like one of those metal tongs you use for pressing fancy sandwiches is clamping down around your entire midsection. Like being inside a panini press!

Or like you’re being pulled into orbit, by way of your intestines.

Like there’s a dense gravitational hole inside you.

Okay. I think it is time for the epidural now.

So, that is what I thought childbirth was like, at least according to the contemporaneous notes I took on my phone both to distract myself and memorialize the process. (A thing I read before giving birth said that your brain immediately purges the specific pain of labor from your memory; it becomes hard to recreate the feeling in your mind, by design, so that people will want to continue the species. I now understand why.)

However, I would say the end result is, so far, very worth it.

Alexandra Petri gave birth Feb. 11. She will be on parental leave until the summer. Her column and reader Q&amp;A will return.

Alexandra Petri is a Washington Post columnist offering a lighter take on the news and opinions of the day. She is the author of the essay collection "Nothing Is Wrong And Here Is Why." Petri is on parental leave. Her column and reader Q&A will return.

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Accurate descriptions of labor, according to notes I took on my phone while giving birth

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Opinion | Donald Trump ripping up government documents isn’t a crime! That’s just his way! - The Washington Post

I’m sorry, I have to say, I didn’t know that you could manic-pixie-dream-president your way through the attempted destruction of a bunch of public records? Is this a thing we’re doing now?

It certainly appears to be what Donald Trump is doing. Article after article, <a href="https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/2022/02/05/trump-ripping-documents/" target="_blank">first in The Post</a> and then elsewhere, detail the difficulties the National Archives and Records Administration has faced dealing with Trump’s presidency. First there was the problem of having to return 15 boxes of material Trump had improperly taken with him, and then there was the problem of … taping the documents in those boxes back together. Because, you see, Trump has this fun habit of tearing up papers?

“Former aides said Trump was haphazard in what he ripped, often tearing up papers that were not classified or even particularly sensitive," The Post <a href="https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/2022/02/05/trump-ripping-documents/" target="_blank">reported</a>. "Some said they viewed it more as a quirk and not a deliberate attempt to avoid public scrutiny, in part because he was so indiscriminate with what he tore.”

Oh, a quirk! That quirky guy! Some people cut the crusts off their sandwiches, other people like to put all their pens in a line, and Trump just loves to tear up government documents! It’s his hobby and his passion! It’s like papier-mache, but he just stops at the first stage of the process. In a way, it’s a creative outlet.

Sometimes men have these little hobbies, and we just have to be tolerant of them. Hannibal Lecter, for instance, was a gourmet chef who sourced all his own ingredients! “That’s not a hobby, that’s technically a felony!” Yeah, well, I don’t come to your home and tear the knitting out of your hands. Stop raining on my hobby parade.

Trump even had a little ritual. From The Post: “While he occasionally left tiny scraps, three people who watched him described a regular process — he would tear a sheet of paper in half once, and then rip it once more into quarters.”

It’s cute, right? Who’s to say it’s not quirky and fun? Technically, federal law, I guess, but — besides that? This is just one of those things where you might be worried if you didn’t know he did it all the time and has always been this way. It’s not a crime; it’s Thursday! Nothing to worry about, except in the most boring, strict, legal sense.

Trump is just like one of those old dogs to whom you famously cannot teach new tricks. Obviously if somebody, say, had a hard drive full of government emails, that would be different — but this is just whimsy! This is a man, standing in front of a public record, tearing it into tiny pieces in that way he has.

And that’s not all! Trump also loved to put those torn-up papers in the toilet, <a href="https://www.axios.com/maggie-haberman-book-trump-papers-2d59d593-8b89-4edd-8623-8ef709af524f.html" target=_blank>according </a>to the New York Times’s Maggie Haberman: “White House residence [staff] periodically found papers clogging a toilet, and believed the president had flushed pieces of paper.” I, for one, see nothing suspicious in this behavior whatsoever. In a way, this was job creation, for plumbers.

Clearly I have been living my life wrong. If I could just go around doing enough arson that people would be like, “Yeah, arson is just this thing she does when she’s stressed,” I would have — not necessarily a better life, given the trail of devastation this would leave in my wake, but certainly a novel defense.

Or can my hobby be grand theft auto? Where is this decided? Do we all just get to do any crimes now as long as we have always done them and the people around us think it’s quirky? Or does it apply only to the destruction or removal of public records? Specifically ones <a href="https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/2022/02/10/trump-records-classified/" target=_blank>labeled “top secret”</a>?

I hope this isn’t the kind of benefit of the doubt that is only extended to certain people, or I’ll really be up a creek. Imagine if I were to destroy or mishandle a public record and instead of everyone rolling their eyes and shrugging at this cute habit, it became a massive, above-the-fold story that dominated several news cycles! That would be the quirkiest thing of all!

Donald Trump ripping up government documents isn’t a crime! That’s just his way!

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Don’t worry, Donald Trump is just a quirky guy who loves to destroy documents

FSKATING-OLY-2022-BEIJING

Contributor

Opinion | Olympics ice dancing has enough love stories! Here are some more interesting ideas. - The Washington Post

The only good thing about the Winter Olympics is the ice performances! The Olympic Committee seems not uncorrupt, the regime hosting is not unrepressive, and every sport is an opportunity for people to go too fast, fall down and hurt themselves. Not for me the people hurling themselves into the air at unprecedented speeds and whirling themselves about. This, however, is fine in moderation — say on the ice, accompanied by music!

The only problem with the sundry couples’ ice performances, as writer <a href="https://twitter.com/clhubes/status/1490517672697679874" target=_blank>Lucy Huber pointed out on Twitter</a>, is that they seem to keep telling one dance story over and over. Few people on the ice seem to understand that there is more to ice dance performance than simply sizzling sexual chemistry (long may the remembered fire of <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K_fiyX4T-sM" target=_blank>Tessa Virtue and Scott Moir</a> burn!). We have seen a handful of these stories: <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IdBNnSi9ImQ" target=_blank>Harley Quinn and the Joker</a>; <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sOpTpruvSlQ" target=_blank>alien first contact</a> set to the music of Daft Punk; a one-man <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OT2cp20jWZQ" target=_blank>“Jesus Christ Superstar” reenactment</a>, complete with lashing, which will live in my mind forever in a rent-controlled manner.

But more people need to push the boundaries like this and discover new relationships Olympic ice dance can illustrate! For instance:

The Origin of the Moon: First, we only see one skater. He is draped in a shapeless lava-colored blob of fabric. He begins whirling at a rapid rate and — whoosh! The fabric flies off, and the second dancer — the moon — is there circling him! Now the Earth (in an extremely on-the-nose blue-and-green costume with a melting white hat) and the moon (gray sequins!) orbit one another, never touching, except at the conclusion of the routine, when both of them explode.

Man and Doughnut: The male partner wears a bowling shirt; the female is dressed as a doughnut. On the one hand, it is an unwieldy costume without great aerodynamics, but on the other hand, the doughnut shape offers intriguing possibilities for holds. He pursues her; she eludes him. During the required twizzles, a form of glitter designed to simulate powdered sugar gets everywhere.

In Search of Lost Time: Marcel, the narrator, would have a nice time skating around the rink with his beloved Albertine, but he is paralyzed by jealousy and makes her stay in one corner of the rink the entire time until she skates off and dies in a bicycle accident.

The Cold War: Russia and the United States circle one another warily, gaining temporary geopolitical advantages at intervals, except during the twizzles, when a stalemate is restored.

Man vs. Nature: One of the dancers is a new homeowner, and the other one is a raccoon that has been discovered unexpectedly indoors. They perform the dance of advance and retreat customary on these occasions. Midway through the routine, the raccoon begins foaming at the mouth.

Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf: George and Martha perform this entire routine while holding full cocktail glasses, which they smash during climactic intervals in the music. There are no jumps, but their son does carry them.

The Giving Tree: One of the skaters is a tree and the other is the boy who takes and takes and gives nothing back. At the conclusion, she gives all her points to him, but it’s still not enough.

Sea Captain and White Whale Who Has Eluded Him Lo These Many Years: A tender pas de deux that culminates in a harpooning.

Man and Cat: One of the skaters is Garfield, who hates Mondays and loves lasagna. The other is Garfield’s owner Jon, a hapless cartoonist. Jon must drag Garfield around the rink, and Garfield spends the whole routine trying to nap, even during the triple axel.

Trying to Get Waiter’s Attention Without Being a Jerk About It: The entire routine consists of one skater trying to catch the other skater’s eye to put in another order of garlic knots but without coming across as confrontational. A variety of waves, snaps and eye contacts lead nowhere.

Chinese Authority Performing an Act of Brutal Repression: This exquisite commentary won’t be allowed, but it will be exciting to see what it gets replaced with! Probably two people in love!

Alexandra Petri

Washington, D.C.

Accurate descriptions of labor, according to notes I took on my phone while giving birth

Don’t worry, Donald Trump is just a quirky guy who loves to destroy documents

Ice dancing has enough love stories! Here are some more interesting ideas.

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