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Carolyn Hax Live Discussion - The Washington Post

Advice columnist Carolyn Hax takes your comments and questions most Fridays about life, family, relationships and more. Some questions may be adapted into full columns, and transcripts of the chats remain available after each session concludes.

<a href="https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/2021/07/30/carolyn-hax-chat-glossary-terms-abbreviations/">Here’s a glossary of frequently used chat terms.</a> <a href="https://www.washingtonpost.com/advice/2022/02/08/carolyn-hax-chat-transcripts-by-year/">Read transcripts from past live chats here.</a>

The question box includes a space for your name, but this is optional. Your submissions are anonymous unless you choose to identify yourself. To reply to other posts, simply include ‘re:’ or ‘to’ the topic in the subject line of your post.

<a href="https://wapo.st/haxqanda">Sign up here</a> to receive an email right as the chat is about to start.

For technical problems or questions, email <a href="mailto:livechatsupport@washpost.com">livechatsupport@washpost.com</a>.

Carolyn Hax started her Washington Post advice column in 1997, after five years on the Style desk and none as a therapist. The column includes cartoons by "relationship cartoonist" Nick Galifianakis — Carolyn's ex-husband — and appears in over 100 newspapers.

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Carolyn Hax: Their marriage is 'a B.' Do they stay in it for the kids? - The Washington Post

<a href="https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/2021/04/09/live-chat-carolyn-hax/#link-688d55eaa37148798fad0691b7df7b9c" target=_blank>Adapted from an online discussion.</a>

Dear Carolyn: If I had to rate my marriage, I would give it a B. I don’t want to have a B marriage, but I have toddler kids. The thought of putting them through a divorce is like a punch to the gut. I’m a child of divorced parents, and it exploded my childhood. If I would jump in front of a bullet for my kids, then why shouldn’t I stay in a B marriage for them? It’s a happy home; their dad is a wonderful man and father, he’s just not my wonderful man. Help me see through this.

B.: This is a lot of what with not a lot of why.

Were there some A feelings before the toddlers? Might they return when you stop having toddlers (which is just really hard)? Are there obstacles that therapy could clear? And … well, I’m not comfortable with the whole “stay in a marriage for the kids” thing, though the potential trauma for your kids obviously factors into any decisions.

I don’t have enough even to guess whether this is a wait-it-out or get-out moment, so I’ll say therapy, solo, to help you with your vision.

Carolyn: The “why” mostly relates to the relationship conveyor belt of dating for X years, getting engaged, getting married … and my feeling throughout like “this isn’t the one, but it’s not not the one either.” I love him, he loves me, but we don’t have that little spark.

Ignoring that doubt now seems foolish, although I’ll never regret our marriage, both from what I learned throughout it and for my children, who are sparkly and wonderful and who amaze me every day. We are in marriage counseling, and I’m still in individual counseling. What I don’t think counseling can heal is that little voice in my head saying, “Not your person, not your person, not your person.”

Maybe you aren’t right for each other — again, I can’t know. But I hope you’ll also consider: Maybe there is no “your person” for any of us. Maybe it’s on each of us alone to make our lives “ours,” and not scan the room for better offers. Maybe your framing is out of date, and it’s time for new expectations.

Clearly this runs counter to other advice I’ve given. However, if things aren’t working as-is and the idea of leaving doesn’t work, either, then break the framework. Decide he is your person as much as anyone can be anyone’s, then live all-in.

· What is a B marriage, anyway? What’s missing and what doesn’t work? Be careful not to judge your marriage by a fantasy-view of what marriage should be.

· My husband is absolutely MY person. But still, in 20 years, our grades have ranged from an A-plus-plus-plus to a total F-minus. Marriage and raising a family are super hard.

· I was in a B relationship for years and am now in an A marriage. But I’ve realized it was not the other person that made it a B, but the choices I made about the relationship. I decided I would make this marriage be the one I wanted. And looking back, I think I could have done that with the B girlfriend. As long as you respect each other and the other person is kind, generous and committed to you, I think you can go a long way toward an A by deciding that person is “right” for you.

Carolyn Hax: Their marriage is 'a B.' Do they stay in it for the kids?

Carolyn Hax: Their marriage is ‘a B.’ Do they stay in it for the kids?

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Carolyn Hax: My husband is negative about our teenage son. - The Washington Post

We asked readers to channel their inner Carolyn Hax and answer this question. Some of the best responses are below.

Dear Carolyn: My husband (“Dad”) has gotten increasingly negative about our 17-year-old son (“Son”), and is constantly giving me the “glass half empty, negative projection” with him. If I say I am going to ask Son to mow the lawn, he will say, “Oh, he won’t do it. He’ll just argue and try to get out of it.” Or if we are watching Son play his sport, Dad will say to me, “Oh look, they put Son in the game. Well, he will not play well because he didn’t hydrate enough, and they’ll be sending him to the bench within five minutes.”

This has gotten much more frequent over the past couple of years, and it's with everything now. I have tried everything: Ignoring it and not responding, saying “Have a little faith in your son," playing dumb when he's wrong ("Huh. It's been 20 minutes and he's still in the game and playing well. Isn't that strange?") and having a serious sit-down conversation about it with him (during which I was told that I need to be his “sounding board" when he is frustrated with the teenagerishness of Son because if I am not the sounding board he will end up saying these things to Son, which he will regret).

The thing is I am so sick of it, and it’s really bringing me down. I can handle it now and then, but it’s every single day. Yes, he’s a teenager and yes, he tries to get out of chores and doesn’t always prepare for sports (or anything) the way he should … but he’s a great kid and is responsible and nice and a good person. I just feel like it’s a standard that Son will never live up to because even if he does the thing perfectly (goes right out to mow the lawn or whatever) I’m reminded that “well, this time he did but we all know what will happen next time!” Any thoughts on how I should handle this or should I just absorb it and be thankful he doesn’t say these things directly to Son?

Frustrated: No, you shouldn’t set the bar as low as “At least he’s not directly undermining Son’s self-esteem.” The problem is your husband’s, and one day the pressure valve you’re providing isn’t going to be enough. And the fundamental disapproval of the child himself, as opposed to acknowledging and working on behaviors, is damaging. Children will carry their parents’ voices with them all their lives. If it is a loving, supportive one, they gain strength from that. If it’s a critical one that focuses on their shortcomings, they’ll carry that everywhere, into every endeavor. Your son is missing the loving, supportive father he deserves and needs.

Tell your husband (at a calm moment, in a calm way) that for your son's sake, you're next-leveling this issue because serving as the safety valve for an issue he won't even try to fix is not something you're willing to do. You gave it time and you gave him the benefit of the doubt, and clearly this issue isn't going to fix itself.

Make a counseling appointment and let him know you expect him to go with you, for your son’s sake. If he doesn’t go, then ask the therapist for best practices to help your son deal with his dad’s disapproval.

Frustrated: I imagine there’s a larger issue here with your husband. Does he show signs of depression? Is he negative about other issues in this way? Does he have unresolved issues with his own father? I also think your son must feel the vibe on some level that his dad is dissatisfied. I think some outside intervention with a therapist could help, ideally with both you and your husband. If he refuses to go, talk to him about what might be underneath all this negativity. Is a mental health/health check in order? I think you absolutely have every right to shut this down. It’s a threat on his part that he will say things directly to your son. He should not be threatening you. Tell him, if you can, to find another sounding board, like a therapist who might be able to work on his negativity, or a friend who is also a dad of teenagers. Good luck and I’m sorry you have to deal with this. I’m glad you are there to support your son, since his dad apparently can’t.

Frustrated: As a teenager close to your son’s age, I hope to answer this from our perspective. The comments from our parental figures have a lasting impact on how we view ourselves. I myself still wonder if I am too fat, too loud, too lazy because of what comments my parents have made. I believe your husband takes one step in the right direction to not speak this to your son outright, but he and you should know that it’s not so easy to hide such a sentiment just by holding your tongue. We teenagers notice far more than some might believe.

You, however, should not be bearing the brunt of this negativity. I understand that the stresses of parenting are immense, but perhaps you and your husband would benefit from some introspection. Perhaps it is out of fear of failure that these faults are so magnified, perhaps it is the words of a parental figure of your husband’s past. I believe that you and your husband can work together, with resources such as counseling to better understand the root of these persistent feelings, and in that you will have done two wonderful things.

1. Understand yourselves better so that you can better parent your son.

2. Show your son that conflicts can be resolved without festering lonely resentment.

Frustrated: I would ask Dad why he dislikes Son so much. When Dad denies it (which he will), recite all the negative things he’s said about Son over the past couple of weeks. Point out that there isn’t one single positive thing he’s said during that time frame. Then inform Dad it’s not your job to be his “sounding board” so he doesn’t say these unkind things to Son, it’s Dad’s job to figure out why he has this mind-set and decide what he wants to do about it. Tell Dad you will no longer be his “sounding board,” and if he chooses to say these things to Son instead and ruins their relationship, that is his fault, not yours. It’s time for Dad to take some responsibility for his thoughts and actions. If he is so desperate for a sounding board about his terribly flawed kid, he can go to therapy.

Every week, we ask readers to answer a question submitted to Carolyn Hax’s live chat or email. <a href="https://www.washingtonpost.com/advice/2022/08/10/carolyn-hax-what-to-watch-fiance/" target=_blank>Read last week’s installment here.</a> New questions are typically posted on Fridays, with a Monday deadline for submissions. Responses are anonymous unless you choose to identify yourself and are edited for length and clarity.

Carolyn Hax: My husband is negative about our teenage son.

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Husband is negative about teenage son. Carolyn Hax readers give advice.

Carolyn Hax: Mother-in-law says moving away means they 'hate' her - The Washington Post

Dear Carolyn: My wife and I live 10 minutes from her mother. We visit her once a week, and text every day. We’ll soon be moving to a new apartment an hour and a half away. It’s larger, and in the area where we’d like to someday buy a house and start a family.

Unfortunately, my mother-in-law insists our moving away means we hate her. Otherwise, we wouldn't leave when she needs us to stay.

The thing is, she doesn’t need us nearby. She’s in good health. She’s generally very independent. She’s lived her entire adult life several states away from her family.

So we never expected this much drama over a comparatively short-distance move. We'll still text daily and visit every few weeks. We've told her there will be space in the new apartment for her to come stay sometimes.

None of that matters. She still sees our move as a punishment.

How can we help her understand this is not about her? How do we communicate that our unwillingness to prioritize her happiness over ours doesn’t mean we don’t care?

Untying the Apron Strings: Stop explaining yourselves. Just stop.

If she really wanted to understand, then she would probably piece it together herself — say, “They like that neighborhood.” And if she were truly stumped, she could 1. ask you to explain, and 2. accept as an answer the basic outline of your thought process that you provided to me. So there’s bad faith all over her reaction.

Her lament that you decided to move because you “hate her” is not even an hour and a half away from the neighborhood of “understanding.” She is trying — with more success than finesse — to bully you emotionally into calling off your move. That’s it.

One of the advantages of visiting a relative weekly and texting daily and planning to maintain an active presence even as you move an hour-plus away is that you are fully inoculated against charges that you don’t care.

As you say yourself, you also operate from a foundational “unwillingness to prioritize her happiness over ours.” That’s not only your prerogative but also appropriate for independent adults. You’re living your lives, as is your prerogative, and she’s living hers, as is her prerogative.

That means, by the way, that all the time you spend together is freely chosen vs. coerced, which makes it better, even if visits are less frequent due to the distance.

So just own it. Own it and stop tacitly validating her claim to the top spot on your priority list.

Carolyn Hax

Washington, D.C.

Need advice? Join columnist Carolyn Hax’s chat (Aug. 19 | 12 p.m. ET)

Carolyn Hax: Their marriage is ‘a B.’ Do they stay in it for the kids?

Husband is negative about teenage son. Carolyn Hax readers give advice.

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