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Carolyn Hax Live Discussion - The Washington Post

Advice columnist Carolyn Hax takes your comments and questions most Fridays about life, family, relationships and more. Some questions may be adapted into full columns, and transcripts of the chats remain available after each session concludes.

<a href="https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/2021/07/30/carolyn-hax-chat-glossary-terms-abbreviations/">Here’s a glossary of frequently used chat terms.</a> <a href="https://www.washingtonpost.com/advice/2022/02/08/carolyn-hax-chat-transcripts-by-year/">Read transcripts from past live chats here.</a>

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Carolyn Hax started her Washington Post advice column in 1997, after five years on the Style desk and none as a therapist. The column includes cartoons by "relationship cartoonist" Nick Galifianakis — Carolyn's ex-husband — and appears in over 100 newspapers.

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Need advice? Join columnist Carolyn Hax’s chat (Aug. 19 | 12 p.m. ET)

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Carolyn Hax: Boyfriend hides their relationship from his parents - The Washington Post

Carolyn Hax is away. The following is from April 2, 2008.

Dear Carolyn: I have been dating my boyfriend for about a year and a half. He is Asian and I am White. For whatever reason, he still hasn’t told his parents about me. We argued about it over Christmas but he said he didn’t want to tell them.

After several arguments, we finally set a deadline when he would tell them, but as of today (just two days left) he has not. I have dropped a few hints the past couple of days but have not flat-out reminded him. If the deadline comes and goes and he still hasn’t told them, what should I do? By the way, they are not totally oblivious to me. I have met them and they are aware that we are friends.

M.: You’ve been together for a year and a half, you have argued about the parent issue openly, and the sum of your insight into his behavior consists of: “for whatever reason …”?

Either he isn’t talking or you aren’t listening. Or both.

There’s room for speculation about “old world” parents and dutiful sons, but that would be the equivalent of letting your cancer run its course while I treat your paper cut.

I see so little honesty here. That’s the cancer.

Obviously there’s his unwillingness to be honest with his parents. Then there’s his failure to be honest with you about his reasons. You, meanwhile, have failed to demand honesty of him in any real or productive way.

I sense you don’t know how. It’s not about lobbing words; “Respect me by X date or else” breeds only resentment or ridicule. Only deeds are effective: no respect, no you.

Instead of establishing consequences without ultimatums, though — the healthy thing — you’ve done the opposite, and made an ultimatum without consequences. You’re asking what to do next, meaning you not only resorted to a threat, but it was an empty one, too — meaning you weren’t honest with him. Most important, you haven’t been honest with yourself.

What do you need from this guy, why is it important, why do you think it’s missing, why do you regard him as the best person to provide it, are you being realistic, what are you prepared to do when and if he doesn’t come through?

The relationship you need right now — urgently, it seems — is with your own mind. Please step back from the issue of what he tells his parents and try to see whether the relationship itself is working. Start with a new definition of “working”: He’s open with you, you’re open with him, and each of you likes what you see.

Dear Carolyn: Is simply “not going” an acceptable way to decline a wedding invitation from a friend you never wish to speak to again? I’m ready to end things, but I don’t want it to be formal. It seems like it’d be too much energy wasted on someone I don’t want around anymore.

Unsure, N.Y.: I hear you. After responding to even one wedding invitation, I need a nap.

If you want to be so rude that your friend is grateful to be expunged from your life, then your wedding no-show will suit. But if you have any plans in the near future to regard yourself as a gracious or decent person, then I would suggest sending a brief note expressing that you decline the invitation with regret and wish happiness for them both.

Carolyn Hax: Boyfriend hides their relationship from his parents

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Carolyn Hax: Longtime boyfriend hides their relationship from his parents

Carolyn Hax: Dad dismisses teaching career as a waste of time - The Washington Post

Carolyn Hax is away. The following is from May 21, 25 and 30, 2008.

Dear Carolyn: I am 28 and married. My father feels I am wasting my time and skills in a job that pays so poorly (high school English teacher). He thinks I ought to go to law school, like my cousins. I’ve been teaching for four years, and while it hasn’t been easy, I’m really passionate about it and feel as though I’m making a difference. My parents frequently go on cruises, and each time I’m bombarded with tales of people they’ve met who are successful in business, law, etc. Presumably, the intent is to encourage me to pick something else. How do I handle my father’s nitpicking in a respectful way?

Stressed in California: Presumably, these successful cruisers were so talented they taught themselves in high school?

And how respectful is it of your dad to call your career a “waste?”

Never mind. My arguing your worth to you is as far beside the point as your arguing your worth to Daddy. Your profession is your business, not his. While it’s certainly nice to bask in parental approval, a functioning adult certainly also knows it’s not necessary.

So, stop giving him traction. Ask him, once, to please respect your choice and stop pressuring you. For any further meddling, it’s, “Appreciate the concern,” change subject (or, for cruise anecdotes, “How nice for these people,” change subject). Daddy loses more than you do, ultimately, from his refusal to see who you are.

Dear Carolyn: I have a guy friend who’s always very generous. Every time we go out, he gives the credit card well in advance to the waiter, so I don’t get a chance. Even when I have my friends with me, he pays for everything. I don’t want to seem like I’m taking advantage, so I don’t invite him out as often. I buy him a gift as a thank-you, but I feel like his generosity outweighs what I get for him. What is the best way to return his generosity?

Too Good to Be True: Someone who goes that far out of his way to pick up every check is inviting people to take advantage.

Not that you should, of course; you’re right to reciprocate. However, it’s not about protecting him from the abuse of his generosity. That’s his responsibility.

Your shared duty is to keep the friendship from getting so out of balance that you feel infantilized. If your gifts aren’t sufficient, in your opinion, then make it clear it’s a matter of dignity for you to be able to pay. Think about it: Your current strategy for acknowledging his generosity includes avoiding him. That alone suggests something is off.

Dear Carolyn: My boyfriend and I are the same height. He thinks he is short and doesn’t like me to wear heels that make me even the least bit taller. He doesn’t say so, exactly, but he sulks if I try to wear them. Is it really my job to make sure he always is happy, or is it okay to be a “heel” once in a while?

M.: Whether you wear flats when you’d prefer heels, or wear heels when you’d prefer a date who wasn’t sulking, dating someone immature will always cost you something. As always, it’s a matter of deciding whether his other qualities are worth that particular price.

Carolyn Hax: Dad dismisses teaching career as a waste of time

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Carolyn Hax: Parents fight grown child's relocation ‘tooth-and-nail' - The Washington Post

Carolyn Hax is away. The following is from May 4, 2008.

Dear Carolyn: I have been working in a career field for the past four years, since I graduated from college. For the past two years, I have been unhappy. My job requires frequent travel to dangerous places, intense hardship and long hours at times. I have been looking to make a change but haven’t had the chutzpah to make it happen.

I recently decided to relocate. I am actively seeking out gainful employment in my desired city. I am looking at places to live. I have a fair bit of money stashed away. I have excellent job prospects anywhere I move but not at the salary I get now, which I can deal with.

My parents have been fighting this decision tooth and nail. I have told them I am unhappy. For my parents, it is the bottom line, and nothing else. They own and operate a small business that has the potential to fail. They do not want me to take a pay cut because of this, at least it seems to me.

There is also a woman involved in my decision. I may sound like a starry-eyed romantic, but she is the woman with whom I want to spend the rest of my life. I don't want to put her through the wringer of constant deployment, time away in hazardous areas, etc. My parents think she is the only reason I am entertaining this.

How do I address this with my parents without starting a huge fight every time? It appears they would rather see me miserable.

S.: Even if the woman were your only reason for moving, it’s still your life. You can pick a location because its name reminds you of your favorite cheese.

The precarious state of your parents’ business does matter, of course, and does come with certain obligations for you — but not an obligation to stay in a job you hate for a few extra bucks. It’s certainly not an obligation to do their bidding.

Carolyn Hax

Washington, D.C.

Need advice? Join columnist Carolyn Hax’s chat (Aug. 19 | 12 p.m. ET)

Carolyn Hax: Longtime boyfriend hides their relationship from his parents

Carolyn Hax: Dad dismisses teaching career as a waste of time

Carolyn Hax: Parents fight grown child’s career change and relocation ‘tooth and nail’

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