The Washington Post

My teen claims to be non-binary. How do we know they aren't just confused?

My teen is nonbinary. Could it be a phase? - The Washington Post

Q: Five months ago, my 16-year-old daughter approached my husband and me and informed us that she is nonbinary. We’re not sure what to do. We think it may be just a “phase.” She and all of her close friends (seven total) are all identifying themselves using the monikers bisexual, nonbinary, trans, polyamorous and a whole host of other words that have sent all the parents to the dictionary. They have spent a lot of energy discussing how their favorite celebrities and influencers identify in an interview or on social media.

I don’t want to harm her by rejecting what she is identifying as, but I also want her to find an authentic expression of herself, and I feel as if this may not be it.

Two months ago, she began insisting that we refer to her by a new name, which I try my best to remember and call her. The name she was given at birth was a beautiful name, one she used to be proud of. Now she complains that I am “deadnaming” her if I call her by her “birth name.”

There is no attempt by the mental health professionals or school counselors to even entertain that maybe she is confused — quite the contrary. The school counselor said schools are not allowed to question or challenge who or what the student identifies as, for fear of a lawsuit. Even the clergy person I asked to speak to my daughter only wanted to help her develop something they termed as a “lesbian identity.” Every professional has admonished and chastised my husband and myself to not even question my daughter’s decisions as to what she is, but to simply accept whatever she offers to us, even though she has insisted she was four different things over the past few months.

I am so sad. I want her to become whomever she is destined to be, and I would be happy with that. Is it possible for a teen to identify as something different every month? How much influence do a teen’s friends have on each other to identify?

How do we find a therapist, counselor or pastor who can gently ask questions while respecting that perhaps a 16-year-old doesn’t know everything?

A: Thank you for writing; many parents struggle with their children’s gender and sexuality changes, and you are not alone. Our culture has made a huge shift toward openness and acceptance in this domain, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy for parents to “get it” the way our teens do. Remember: Any human who didn’t fit the cultural norm (heterosexual) has spent their lives either in a form of hiding or living out loud while often endangering their emotional, physical and economic safety.

While our culture and families are grappling with this enormous shift, I want to be clear around the dangers of denying, shaming or trying to change your daughter when it comes to sexual and gender identity. From the <a href="https://www.cdc.gov/lgbthealth/youth.htm">Centers for Disease Control and Prevention</a>: “LGB youth are at greater risk for depression, suicide, substance use, and sexual behaviors that can place them at increased risk for HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases (STDs). Nearly one-third (29%) of LGB youth had attempted suicide at least once in the prior year compared to 6% of heterosexual youth.” I’m not exaggerating when I say that it is a matter of life and death to accept LGBTQ+ teens for who they are. So, if you begin to slide back into fear, disbelief and control, repeat this phrase to yourself: “By loving and fully accepting my child, I am helping them to love and fully accept themself.”

When it comes to their teen mind, though, you aren’t wrong to feel as if they are all over the place. Developmentally, teens are in an intense time. Their brains are rapidly growing, and the <a href="https://www.washingtonpost.com/health/2022/08/09/brain-adolescents-neuroscience/?fbclid=IwAR2FZG0QCWVOI1RdCMtpzI7ymTdHWBtvuNtkGIzKTaaV1XT7EQzHgVzmIak">science shows</a> that they are drawn to risk-taking, as well as to close connections with their friends. But this isn’t all bad. Recent studies have shown that teens are also interested in risk-taking when it benefits not just themselves but also their friends and family. Although this may not seem great to many adults, this risk-taking is a necessary step in them moving from childhood to young adulthood. Can the risks be extreme and dangerous? Yes, but many teens are developing a keen sense of reasoning during this time.

What does this have to do with your child? Well, you may be assuming that the group they are in is pressuring them and influencing their sexuality and gender, but what if your child is purposely surrounding themselves with people who make them feel safe? What if your child is taking the risk of changing their name because they feel safe and accepted? You may think the group is causing the “problem,” but what if their group of friends is a reflection of your child?

I am not suggesting that your child’s nonbinary status isn’t dizzying for you, nor would I expect you to feel neutral about calling your child by another name. I know that fear, confusion, sadness, frustration, worry and anger can come with these changes, and, depending on how you grew up, this could feel downright threatening. But it is time to stop throwing out lines to find an adult to shame your child into a hetero lifestyle. Does your child, at 16, know everything about life? Of course not, and neither do you. Your parenting job isn’t to bring them into line; it is to completely love and accept them for exactly who they are (today, this week, next year, etc.). I rarely give explicit advice in my columns, but the stakes are high for our LGBTQ+ children and teens. You obviously care, and you state that you don’t want to harm your child, so please stop vilifying their decisions.

Instead of convincing your child that they are just a follower of their friends, ask them thoughtful questions. “(Their chosen name), we didn’t grow up with these identities, and we want to understand more about it. Tell us about being nonbinary, from your standpoint.” Then be quiet and listen. You don’t have to get everything right or be perfect; just be open. This is also a good time to affirm your core family values. For instance, you can say: “In our family, honesty, compassion and being with people who affirm us are most important. Your friends must do this for you. What are they like?” Your child may give you a serious case of side-eye — they may not trust you yet — but if you open your doors for your child and their friends (food is the best way), you will probably find some sensitive, tenderhearted, loving teens in your midst.

Finally, there is so much support for you out there, such as from <a href="https://pflag.org/loving-families">PFLAG</a>, where you can find facts and definitions, as well as groups near you, and <a href="https://urldefense.com/v3/__https://amaze.org/?topic=gender-identity__;!!M9LbjjnYNg9jBDflsQ!H26IMxNRkYmvOCslN4I_y06OSMPav7IExeaZVMNn-xR1sFaw3jzbYLUCB_fAGGhaehRW2RHEQrozqKYb9rMrQg$">amaze.org</a>, which provides age-appropriate, easy-to-digest facts on gender and sexuality. I know it is a brave step to begin to put down your armor and fear, and it will be a process that will unfold for a long time, but it is the difference between maintaining a loving relationship with your daughter and not doing so. Get the help you need; your whole family deserves it. Good luck.

Have a question about parenting? Ask The Post.

Meghan is the mother of three daughters and the author of "Parenting Outside the Lines." She holds a bachelor’s degree in English and secondary education and a master’s degree in school counseling and is a certified parent coach. Send a question about parenting to onparenting@washpost.com, and it may show up in a future column.

Meghan Leahy

My teen is nonbinary. Could it be a phase?

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Advice

My teen says they’re nonbinary. How do we know it isn’t a phase?

She disagrees with her son's parenting choices. What can she do?

She disagrees with her son's parenting choices. Can she say anything? - The Washington Post

My son is going through a divorce and has moved back in with us (husband and I are retired).  I find myself disagreeing with some of his parenting choices.

Q: My son is going through a divorce and has moved back in with us. (My husband and I are retired.) His kids, ages 2 and 5, are with us half the time. I find myself disagreeing with some of his parenting choices, particularly around food. He cannot say no to the 2-year-old, so she may have ice cream before dinner or an ice pop for breakfast. She’ll often ask for something and take only a bite, so there is a lot of food waste.

She also uses a whiny voice and throws tantrums to get her way, and her dad always gives in. It’s increasingly difficult for me to hold my tongue. Any advice?

A: It is quite kind of you to take in your son and grandchildren. You have raised your children; that part of your parenting journey is behind you, so to be thrust back in is no small thing.

Something critical to remember is that, I am guessing, you had primary say around raising your children. You made the choices and the mistakes, and you learned your lessons, which is really the only way we get better at parenting. We move ahead with our best guesses and learn as we go. That’s why parenting children under 7 can be so brutal: It’s nonstop learning.

Your son is in this huge (and probably painful) transition. Not only is his marriage over, but he also needs to learn how to be a single parent to young children while living with his parents again. It’s a lot for someone to deal with. That freedom to do everything “his way” is changed by the fact that he is again a son under your roof. There are many identities and roles at play here, and it can get confusing to know what and where your lane is.

I can feel your grandparenting (and parenting) frustration loud and clear. Many of us have been in situations where we want to yell, “Just say no to the darn kid!” But we don’t, because we know it could embarrass and undermine the parent, make a bad situation worse, divide loyalties or start a heated disagreement in front of the children. Holding this frustration in is you staying mature. And trust me: Many parents can (and do) lament how their own parents nagged, lectured and shamed their parenting choices. It really is a relationship killer, so good on you for holding your tongue.

Is there a middle ground between simmering and staying silent or lecturing your son? Because he doesn’t have the kids half the time, maybe you could take him out to dinner and just listen to him. Let him vent about the divorce or single parenting or whatever is on his mind. I could be wrong, but I bet he knows that the ice pops, wasted food and whining aren’t great, but he could be too overwhelmed to see it clearly or know what to do about it. By offering a compassionate, nonjudgmental ear, you free your son to put down his burdens for a bit, and when people do that, they are more likely to find the courage to do something different.

If the food waste is a problem financially, you could say: “Justin, I know Kaley is 2, and trying to feed a 2-year-old can be like herding cats, and we are spending lots of money on food that is getting thrown out. Is there a way she can eat and we can cut down on waste? Can we give her half of the food?” See what your son says. It may not have occurred to him that a lot of food is getting wasted, and he may have ideas regarding how to cut down.

As for the whining, your mantra is: The only person I can control is myself. This is your North Star. How you handle your granddaughter’s whining is your own work, and I would get comfortable with making yourself scarce during these rough hours. Go for a walk with a friend, go to another floor or put on some headphones. Do anything to make yourself feel less provoked.

Some people may read this and feel affronted: “It is their house, and the grandparent needs to hide?” Well, yes and no. I am suggesting that judging, critiquing and losing your cool in the moment are not going to work out well for any relationship in the house. Instead, stay out of it (in the moment), and find another way to support your son. You can keep your boundaries, just don’t do it during the tantrum or while eating. Good luck!

She disagrees with her son's parenting choices. Can she say anything?

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She disagrees with her son’s parenting choices. Can she say anything?

LL-parenting0804

How do we start to discipline our child? - The Washington Post

Our pediatrician told us that between 2-3 is the time to set our foundation for how we discipline. Are there any good resources (books, websites, etc.) that will give us some good starting points as we figure out how we want to set the tone?

Q: Our pediatrician told us that between ages 2 and 3 is the time to set our foundation for how we discipline. Are there any good resources (books, websites, etc.) that will give us some starting points as we figure out how we want to set the tone?

A: I am glad that your pediatrician is talking to you about setting a foundation, because, indeed, that is the very essence of what you are doing. And although I appreciate what your doctor is going for, I would like to give it a little spin as I recommend some starting points.

In the parenting world, the word “discipline” is a bit loaded. For many, it is a euphemism for “getting your kids in line,” “nipping that behavior in the bud,” “showing your child who’s boss” or “giving consequences.” And those phrases are saying what many parents are always trying (and failing to do): control their children. Discipline has become synonymous with control, and although the flavor has changed over the generations (beatings to spankings to sending them to their rooms to timeouts to positive parenting), the roots remain the same: How do you react to your children’s behavior, such that they behave the way you want them to?

I know you asked about books and websites, and I have launched into an etymological discussion of the word “discipline,” but it’s important to know that you are at a type of tipping point. On one side is the common culture, and mostly how we were raised, which seeks to control and manipulate children into certain behaviors, while the other side sees controlling children as counterintuitive and counterproductive to raising a human.

Alarm bells may be ringing for you: “My child should do whatever they want?” “My child should be able to hit without punishment?” “I shouldn’t be able to correct them at all?” Yes and no. To respond appropriately, read “<a href="https://read.amazon.com/kp/embed?asin=B006RKJQ48&preview=newtab&linkCode=kpe&ref_=cm_sw_r_kb_dp_EZ5GD9HJ3B269EAGEMY8&tag=thewaspos09-20">Your Two-Year-Old</a>,” by Louise Bates Ames. (Pick up the whole set.) Although some of the examples are outdated, Ames has an uncanny way of capturing the essence of children at different developmental stages, and when you understand that it is your child’s work to behave this way, that the behavior is serving growth and maturity, you are less likely to try to squash it.

For instance, when you’ve nicely asked your 2½-year-old to stop jumping on the couch and they look you in the eyes and keep jumping? It’s helpful to know that this obstinate behavior is normal and is not a reason to double-down or punish your child. Instead, speak less, redirect and provide other things for your child to jump on. Rinse and repeat. Yelling, punishing, using too much logic, counting to three and asking “nicely” may all work (or not) in the short term, but you will quickly find that those ways of disciplining don’t have much staying power. And worse? Yelling, nagging, punishing, rewarding, using logic and being “nice” can hurt your relationship with your child.

Meghan Leahy

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How do we start to discipline our child?

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