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Confessions of an American Illuminati

RT has an Illuminati correspondent, so I guess the jig is up on the great American conspiracy that secretly runs the world.

Traders work on the floor of the New York Stock Exchange at the close of the day after trading was paused for nearly four hours due to a “technical glitch” on July 8 in New York City. (Spencer Platt/Getty Images)
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As a fully paid-up member of the British-American Project, Council on Foreign Relations and the Evil League of Evil, I haven’t been this upset since that documentary “Capricorn One” was released in the 1970s.

You have to understand: The plan was working perfectly. The European Union is tearing itself apart over Greece. China’s stock market is melting down and China’s government seems powerless to stop it. The edifice of Vladimir Putin’s power structure in Russia gets shakier and shakier with each passing day. It’s not like the rest of the BRICS are doing that great, either.

And no one knew that the Plunge Protection Team/Trilateral Commission/Legion of Doom was secretly behind all the madness in a plan provided to us by the Underpants Gnomes to make a huge profit. Oh, sure, Vox’s Amanda Taub quoted a former opposition politician in Russia jokingly asserting, “the whole of power in Russia belongs to Putin, but the whole of responsibility for Russian problems belongs to Obama.” But no one believed that guy. China has been crying “hostile foreign forces” a lot recently, but no one in the Chinese educated classes really believed that assertion.

With no one the wiser, it seemed that the American Illuminati/Freemasons/Stonecutters master plan to simultaneously sabotage every other great power on the planet was finally coming to fruition. And then … Russia Today had to go and find an Illuminati correspondent:

RT, Russia’s state-run news service aimed primarily at non-Russian audiences, [has a contributor] who specializes in uncovering the hidden role the Illuminati plays in world affairs. His name is Tony Gosling.
Gosling writes a column for the RT website and frequently appears on RT’s broadcast channels, where he is presented as an investigative journalist, historian or social justice activist. In fact, he is none of those things. He is an arch-traditionalist adherent of the brand of conspiracy theory which he gets directly from … pseudo-historical sources including the Protocols of the Elders of Zion. …
Where in his previous decades of investigating such matters Gosling relied on barely read websites, RT has in recent years provided him with both a regular column published on its own site, and frequent on-air interviews. This gives Gosling an international forum in which he can expound on his ideas about the Freemasons and Illuminati.

Great. Just great. We were this close to pulling off the Master Plan, and then RT had to go and sign up the one guy who would find out about the Illuminati!! Do any of you readers outside of Opus Dei/Bilderburg/Mugatu have any idea just how friggin’ hard it is to manage an actual conspiracy? How many moving parts there are to it? All it takes is one plucky, incredibly paranoid and anti-Semitic reporter to take down the entire cabal.

Oh, sure, we tried to cover their tracks. I, for one, thought it was pretty clever to try to suggest that the United States was under attack by combining attacks on the New York Stock Exchange and United Airlines. Made it seem like the United States was also a victim of some sinister SPECTRE-like conspiracy.

We had hoped that this would throw Gosling off the scent. But first, Felix Salmon saw through that ruse and pointed out the many excellent reasons why this was all a tempest in a teapot (I knew the Illuminati should have accepted his membership application last year). Then some stupid flunkie got greedy and tried to bring Ariana Grande into things, and there’s no way that her badly-typed apology will fool someone dedicated to showing who really runs the world: a tight-knit clan of Rothschilds and Kochs and BuzzFeed interns.

In retrospect, I don’t think it was RT that was responsible for the whole conspiracy falling apart. No, there were deeper forces at work: the global erosion of trust in public institutions, the persistence of conspiracy theories regardless of pushback efforts, the growth of conspiracy-fueled narratives like Mr. Robot, and, of course, Donald Trump’s truth-telling existence. Us conspirators got cocky. Maybe jerry-rigging Carli Lloyd’s “miraculous” goal from midfield was  the final straw of hubris.

Well, the jig is up now. It’s all true: It’s time to call together all the members of Skull and Bones, Aspen Strategy Group and the Army of the Twelve Monkeys and turn ourselves in. We had a good ride for centuries. But it’s time for a new secret cabal to run the world. Just keep it as far away from Ariana Grande as possible.

CORRECTION: This post and a quote from a Daily Beast article in it originally incorrectly identified Tony Gosling as an RT employee. In fact, he is a freelance correspondent.